This isn’t really a logical feeling but I went to Catholic schools for a few years growing up and the archdiocese (Boston) was absolutely wrecked by the sex abuse scandal. Most of the victims were altar boys and almost all served at a time when it was boys only. Girls are much more likely to report sex abuse (either witnessing or experiencing it). Never say never but I would be extremely hesitant to have my son serve as an altar boy where leadership insisted on boys only.
I want to thank you for being so clear concerning your personal feelings about both of these topics. I always appreciate your clarity, honesty, and vulnerability!
I am also not a fan of tattoos mostly because I think they are often a fashion statement especially on women. Eventually we no longer want the haircut or color we loved or the shoulder pads and skinny jeans we wore a million times. Those we can change or donate or throw away, but tattoos are permanent. But just as you stated, this is my personal opinion.
As you know from our pilgrimage to Italy, I am a lector. Without being proud, I can still say that I am good at it. I do think the Holy Spirit speaks through me when I lector, yet I would not be upset in any way if the church or my bishop or my pastor said that he no longer desired women as lectors. I don't do it because it makes me important or powerful or special, but I can absolutely see how some people could abuse any ministry for their own gain. I hold this ministry loosely as it is not mine to keep, so I'd be more than willing to sit and receive.
As you suggested, possibly many of us ladies who serve the church in these ways may have real fear that if we didn't serve nobody would, that men would not step up, or worse they would use it as a power play. In addition, we women might also be uncomfortable with being served. Receptivity can be as hard for us as it was for Peter when the Lord wanted to wash his feet. Receiving requires trust in the one who serves and their intention. We live in a very untrustworthy world. Many of us have been let down or disappointed by those who were supposed to serve us, hence the disposition to do it ourselves.
Thanks for answering these questions, and as always I thoroughly enjoyed this column. I feel like I get to watch your brain and heart work in real time, as if I were sitting with you and talking over a cup of coffee. God bless you and your family!
I love your newsletters and I learn so much because you break it down for me. Thank you!!
I have 2 tattoos. 2 that remind me of my family and, particularly, of God. I have an issue with metals on my skin, so I chose to tattoo my consecration to Mary on my wrist rather than wear a chain. The other tattoo was before and is very symbolic of my life’s journey. I designed them both myself. I don’t regret them. I prayed long and hard about whether to have tattoos (even though I always wanted one when I was kid #rebellious). But I really agree that some tattoos are very rashly made decisions. Just stating a point I did not see in your newsletter. 🙂
As for altar serving - thank you for your opinions. I did serve as a girl when I was 12/13; it was something I could do since I wasn’t allowed to be in choir yet (my dad was the director). Learning more about the intent of altar serving, I definitely desire that only boys be allowed to serve. I have noticed more attention from the boys when only boys are serving and not with girls (of any age).
I know sharing your thoughts on these topics was a big leap. Thank you.
Emily I LOVED this. I always felt this growing up in a beautiful liturgy (St Mary’s in Greenville ☺️)… as a girl I loved BEING served in Mass instead of serving for once. There’s a power and joy in embracing this ontology. It is NOT lesser. There is such a privilege in it. Similar to how I can feel new life stirring within me, and be deeply connected and united with my babies in a way my husband can’t, despite loving them as deeply. Similar to how I can uniquely experience the love of Christ as a lover and a wooer in my womanhood, whereas my husband (though equally loved by God) cannot. Our sexual difference is so cool and permeates everything. Anyway I was going to cancel my subscription next month because I’m trying to cut back on all expenses - and when you write like this I absolutely have to stay!! ❤️
Emily, this is the best explanation I’ve read of reserving serving at the altar for boys. I wasn’t interested in being an altar server when I was younger but would definitely have been fine with my daughters wanting to do it — and I’m still fine with girls in general wanting to serve — but my husband feels pretty strongly that it should be reserved for boys and he would not want our daughters to serve in that way. His objections have seemed to me to be at a more shallow level than what you’ve explained here, but I think he would agree with your reasoning as well. Thank you for this deep and thoughtful reflection.
I think I also see where you’re coming from in your thoughts on tattoos, although I think I disagree with you there a bit. I think when someone becomes like a billboard of tattoos, with their favorite names, dates, images, etc, that shows some of the impatience of being known that you describe. What about tattoos in a place fewer people see? I got a tattoo last year of “everything is grace” on my foot. Sometimes people see it; a lot more people would see it in the summer than in the winter, if they were looking at my feet of course. I thought about getting it for a couple years before I went through with it; St. Therese was my confirmation saint, and one of the patron saints of my sister who died a few years ago, and St. Therese has played a significant role in my life ever since. More than anything else, it’s a reminder to me of the attitude I want to have towards everything I receive from God, but which I have forgotten so often that I wanted the daily visual reminder. I say all this just to provide a window into other reasons why someone might get a tattoo or what it might reveal about them aside or instead of the impatience to be known that you identify, Emily. And apart from that, it seems like tattoos are much more acceptable in some parts of the country than in others; when I lived near DC, where so many people work for the government in some way, I didn’t see many people with easily visible tattoos; now that I live in the Midwest, I see lots of people with lots of tattoos all around me.
I honestly did not consider myself confused or distracted, or upset about either of these topics before reading this and now I am. Sigh. Hoping other commenters will have more insight.
Really love and appreciate this essay, Emily. The bit on our gender roles and how this relates to the Mass is so beautiful. Thank you for taking the daring step by sharing your thoughts on these tough topics!
This isn’t really a logical feeling but I went to Catholic schools for a few years growing up and the archdiocese (Boston) was absolutely wrecked by the sex abuse scandal. Most of the victims were altar boys and almost all served at a time when it was boys only. Girls are much more likely to report sex abuse (either witnessing or experiencing it). Never say never but I would be extremely hesitant to have my son serve as an altar boy where leadership insisted on boys only.
I want to thank you for being so clear concerning your personal feelings about both of these topics. I always appreciate your clarity, honesty, and vulnerability!
I am also not a fan of tattoos mostly because I think they are often a fashion statement especially on women. Eventually we no longer want the haircut or color we loved or the shoulder pads and skinny jeans we wore a million times. Those we can change or donate or throw away, but tattoos are permanent. But just as you stated, this is my personal opinion.
As you know from our pilgrimage to Italy, I am a lector. Without being proud, I can still say that I am good at it. I do think the Holy Spirit speaks through me when I lector, yet I would not be upset in any way if the church or my bishop or my pastor said that he no longer desired women as lectors. I don't do it because it makes me important or powerful or special, but I can absolutely see how some people could abuse any ministry for their own gain. I hold this ministry loosely as it is not mine to keep, so I'd be more than willing to sit and receive.
As you suggested, possibly many of us ladies who serve the church in these ways may have real fear that if we didn't serve nobody would, that men would not step up, or worse they would use it as a power play. In addition, we women might also be uncomfortable with being served. Receptivity can be as hard for us as it was for Peter when the Lord wanted to wash his feet. Receiving requires trust in the one who serves and their intention. We live in a very untrustworthy world. Many of us have been let down or disappointed by those who were supposed to serve us, hence the disposition to do it ourselves.
Thanks for answering these questions, and as always I thoroughly enjoyed this column. I feel like I get to watch your brain and heart work in real time, as if I were sitting with you and talking over a cup of coffee. God bless you and your family!
Emily -
I love your newsletters and I learn so much because you break it down for me. Thank you!!
I have 2 tattoos. 2 that remind me of my family and, particularly, of God. I have an issue with metals on my skin, so I chose to tattoo my consecration to Mary on my wrist rather than wear a chain. The other tattoo was before and is very symbolic of my life’s journey. I designed them both myself. I don’t regret them. I prayed long and hard about whether to have tattoos (even though I always wanted one when I was kid #rebellious). But I really agree that some tattoos are very rashly made decisions. Just stating a point I did not see in your newsletter. 🙂
As for altar serving - thank you for your opinions. I did serve as a girl when I was 12/13; it was something I could do since I wasn’t allowed to be in choir yet (my dad was the director). Learning more about the intent of altar serving, I definitely desire that only boys be allowed to serve. I have noticed more attention from the boys when only boys are serving and not with girls (of any age).
I know sharing your thoughts on these topics was a big leap. Thank you.
Emily I LOVED this. I always felt this growing up in a beautiful liturgy (St Mary’s in Greenville ☺️)… as a girl I loved BEING served in Mass instead of serving for once. There’s a power and joy in embracing this ontology. It is NOT lesser. There is such a privilege in it. Similar to how I can feel new life stirring within me, and be deeply connected and united with my babies in a way my husband can’t, despite loving them as deeply. Similar to how I can uniquely experience the love of Christ as a lover and a wooer in my womanhood, whereas my husband (though equally loved by God) cannot. Our sexual difference is so cool and permeates everything. Anyway I was going to cancel my subscription next month because I’m trying to cut back on all expenses - and when you write like this I absolutely have to stay!! ❤️
Have you seen Dame Maggie Smith in Tea for Mussolini? Must see movie!
Emily, this is the best explanation I’ve read of reserving serving at the altar for boys. I wasn’t interested in being an altar server when I was younger but would definitely have been fine with my daughters wanting to do it — and I’m still fine with girls in general wanting to serve — but my husband feels pretty strongly that it should be reserved for boys and he would not want our daughters to serve in that way. His objections have seemed to me to be at a more shallow level than what you’ve explained here, but I think he would agree with your reasoning as well. Thank you for this deep and thoughtful reflection.
I think I also see where you’re coming from in your thoughts on tattoos, although I think I disagree with you there a bit. I think when someone becomes like a billboard of tattoos, with their favorite names, dates, images, etc, that shows some of the impatience of being known that you describe. What about tattoos in a place fewer people see? I got a tattoo last year of “everything is grace” on my foot. Sometimes people see it; a lot more people would see it in the summer than in the winter, if they were looking at my feet of course. I thought about getting it for a couple years before I went through with it; St. Therese was my confirmation saint, and one of the patron saints of my sister who died a few years ago, and St. Therese has played a significant role in my life ever since. More than anything else, it’s a reminder to me of the attitude I want to have towards everything I receive from God, but which I have forgotten so often that I wanted the daily visual reminder. I say all this just to provide a window into other reasons why someone might get a tattoo or what it might reveal about them aside or instead of the impatience to be known that you identify, Emily. And apart from that, it seems like tattoos are much more acceptable in some parts of the country than in others; when I lived near DC, where so many people work for the government in some way, I didn’t see many people with easily visible tattoos; now that I live in the Midwest, I see lots of people with lots of tattoos all around me.
I honestly did not consider myself confused or distracted, or upset about either of these topics before reading this and now I am. Sigh. Hoping other commenters will have more insight.
Really love and appreciate this essay, Emily. The bit on our gender roles and how this relates to the Mass is so beautiful. Thank you for taking the daring step by sharing your thoughts on these tough topics!