The Marital Debt, Mary, and the Feminine Genius

Weekly Notes

Hello, Friends, and Happy Michaelmas!

Real quick, before I get to your questions, there are still a few spots left on my family’s upcoming pilgrimage to Italy. Every time my kids break down, I think about them doing this with an audience of 50, and I question my sanity. But then I think about seeing their faces when they walk into St. Peter’s and the Colosseum for the first time, and I decide that insanity is the way to go. If you want to be insane with me, and eat really good gelato while my kids torture each other by looking at each other the wrong way, sign up here.

Also, if you want to say thanks to me for taking on topics like yoga last week and the marital debt this week, please say a prayer that certain men on YouTube and Twitter lose their Internet connection today and can’t send me mean messages over the weekend. You can also show your thanks by becoming a full subscriber to this newsletter. It costs less than one specialty drink at Starbucks a month and helps me forget (a little bit) about the guys on Twitter.

Question Box

Is the marital debt a real thing?

Is it a real thing? Yes. Is it what certain fundamentalist and traditionalist men on YouTube make it out to be? Absolutely not.

As the aforementioned men would have it, husbands and wives are obligated to have sex with their spouse whenever their spouse is in the mood. There is no saying no. Sex, as they see it, is a duty that must be done on demand, except maybe for grave reasons like serious illness and impending death. To support this claim, they cite Saint Paul’s First Letter to the Corinthians:

“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does. Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a season, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, lest Satan tempt you through lack of self-control,” (1 Cor 7:3-5).

Proof texting, however, is a dangerous game. It can twist the fullness of truth beyond recognition. Which is why Catholics don’t do it. Church teaching isn’t shaped by a few isolated verses. Rather, every verse in Scripture and every line in a Church document are read in relation to each other. Everything is connected, with the parts illuminating the whole.

And sure enough, when we read 1 Corinthians 7, in the context of the whole of Scripture and Tradition, a much fuller picture of marital intimacy emerges.

For example, in Ephesians 5, Saint Paul talks of marriage as “a great mystery,” a sign of “Christ and the church,” and instructs husbands to “love your wives as Christ loved the Church,” (Ephesians 5:32, 25). He also says husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies, nourishing and cherishing them (Ephesians 5:28-29).

The popes and the Church Fathers echo this, with Pope Pius XI, in Casti Connubii writing:

“For matrimonial faith demands that husband and wife be joined in an especially holy and pure love, not as adulterers love each other, but as Christ loved the Church,” (23).

Pope Saint John Paul II builds upon that understanding, noting that, “The human body includes right from the beginning…the capacity of expressing love, that love in which the person becomes a gift – and by means of this gift – fulfills the meaning of his being and existence,”  (Theology of the Body, January 16, 1980).

The Church also teaches that, “All the baptized are called to chastity,” which is to say, all the baptized—including married persons—are called to the healthy integration of their sexuality into their whole experience of life (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 2348). We’re called to be governed by our reason, not our passions, and always let the good of our souls and the good of others lead us.

Above all, the Church proclaims the sanctity of marriage. In Christ, the natural good of marriage has been elevated to a supernatural good, meaning Christian spouses who enter into it receive sacramental graces, to “perfect the couple’s love and to strengthen their indissoluble unity. By this grace they ‘help one another to attain holiness in their married life and in welcoming and educating their children,’” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1641).

So yes, the Church teaches that husbands and wives should not unnecessarily deny the gift of marital intimacy to each other. But the Church also teaches that husbands are called to love their wives like Christ loved the Church. Husbands are called to deny themselves for their wife, sacrifice themselves for their wife, and put their wife’s good ahead of their own.

She further teaches that husbands and wives should see each other as gifts. And gifts are always freely given; they are not owed or demanded.

The Church teaches that husbands and wives are both called to practice chastity, learning to master their natural desires and not putting their sexual passions above their own good or the good of their spouse.

And she teaches that both husband and wife are called to help each other become holy, calling upon the graces of their marriage to grow in charity, chastity, fidelity, kindness, patience, and all the other virtues which help both a marriage and the human soul flourish.

This is the context in which Catholics read 1 Corinthians 7. This is what informs the Church’s understanding of that verse. So, yes, she would say it’s a problem if one spouse always or even most of the time denies intimacy to the other. It’s a problem if one spouse treats sex like a weapon and withholds it in some kind of marital power struggle. It’s a problem if—without really serious reasons—you and your spouse never have sex.

But it’s also a problem if one spouse never denies their desires for the good of their spouse. It’s a problem if one spouse treats the other as an object to be used for their own sexual satisfaction. It’s a problem if one spouse thinks marriage gives them license to indulge their every sexual desire and not strive for the virtue of chastity. It’s a problem if one spouse is so focused on their needs that they don’t take the time to understand and meet their spouse’s needs. And it’s a problem if one spouse is so consumed by their right to sex that they think that right trumps every other duty within marriage.

The marital debt is a real thing. As Saint Paul says, however, it’s a “concession” to concupiscence (1 Corinthians 7:6). And a concession to concupiscence does not trump a husband’s duty to love his wife as Christ loved the Church, which is the central mystery of Christian marriage. A concession to concupiscence also does not trump free will and the freedom inherent in self gift, which are fundamental ways the human person images God. And a concession to concupiscence does not trump the call to chastity and charity at the heart of the human vocation to holiness. Anyone who insists it does lacks a true Christian understanding of marriage and is not a trustworthy guide.

In a healthy, holy, loving marriage, both husband and wife will have the freedom to say, “No, not tonight,” and trust that their “no” will be received with love, compassion, and understanding. Also, in a healthy, holy, loving marriage, both husband and wife will sometimes need to rally their tired, worn-out selves and say, “Yes, honey, tonight,” both for the good of their spouse and their marriage.

If one person in your marriage is always saying “no,” then you and your spouse need to have some hard, honest conversations about the why behind those “no’s” and figure out together what needs to happen for more “yes’s” to return to your marriage.

On the flip side, if your spouse is never accepting your “no,” and asking you to give yourself even when it is physically dangerous to do so (like in the weeks following the birth of a child) that is abuse— of you and the marriage—and you both should seek help as individuals and a couple.

Sex is awesome. But it is not a need. It is a want. It is a desire. And it is a desire that we are all called to discipline, subjugating it to both reason and charity. This is what the Church calls us to do. It is a hallmark of Christian maturity. And it is contrary to the teaching of the Church to insist otherwise.

For further reflection on this question and some thoughts from the male perspective, I encourage you to listen to this episode from Pre-Cana with the Pope hosted by Monica and Renzo Ortega.

I struggle with Mary. She had one sinless child, and I have 3 under 4, and one is disabled. Thoughts?

You have a lot on your plate right now. A lot. I don’t have a disabled child, but I did have three children under age three not very long ago, and I can remember the feeling of complete overwhelm. I mean, I’m still overwhelmed, but that time of newborns and babies and toddlers simultaneously was its own special kind of crazy. And when you’re drowning and exhausted and probably thinking a lot about what the future holds for your child with special needs, I can see why you might feel like Mary had it easy compared to you. Or that she couldn’t possibly understand how you’re struggling. Or that she has nothing to offer you.

I am not going to tell you that you shouldn’t feel that way. None of us can help how we feel. Especially when we’re sleep deprived. But I can tell you that there is a lot more to Mary’s life than mothering one sinless child.

Remember, when Mary was still a girl, an angel of God most High appeared to her and upended every plan she had for her life. Every dream was rearranged in a moment. From that moment forward, Mary woke up every day with the monumental task of mothering God. Immaculately conceived or not, she was a human person mothering a Divine Person. Who could ever feel capable of that?

Then, no more than two years after she first held God in her arms, Mary fled with her child and her husband to Egypt, leaving everyone and everything they knew behind. She also fled knowing that scores of innocent baby boys in Bethlehem had been cut down behind them, in cold blood, as they ran. For the rest of her life, she lived with the memory of those babies and the mothers, from whose arms they had been ripped.

Once in Egypt, Mary had to make a new life for herself and her family, as impoverished strangers in a strange land. Later, she had to make a new life for herself when her husband died and her only Son, who had supported her, began wandering the countryside preaching. And through it all, she lived knowing her precious boy would be hated and reviled by the people He came to save. She was there when that day came. She walked the via dolorosa with Him. She heard His cries upon the cross. And then she knelt at the foot of the cross and held her baby boy’s body in her arms.

When I look at Mary, I don’t see a woman who can’t understand our pain. I see a woman who endured cross after cross after cross, who knew what it was to suffer and struggle and grieve, who knew pain as intimately as any of us do, but felt it even more deeply, because she loved more deeply, without pride or vanity or a selfish preoccupation with self.

I see one thing more thing when I look at Mary. I see a woman who, on Calvary, accepted the last gift Her Son gave her: the gift of more children. She said yes to being a mother to all His disciples, to all the baptized—to those who stumble, fall, lie, betray, doubt, and despair; to those who would embrace her Son but reject her; to those who would suffer, in body and soul, in a million different ways; and to those with very special needs of their own. She said yes to us all. And Jesus would not have given us to her, unless He knew she would truly love us with a mother’s love, a love as full and complete as she had for Him, a love as full and complete as you and I have for our children.

You and I both have three little ones crying out to us each day. Mary has millions upon millions crying out to her. Her life might not have looked like yours or mine. But she knows what it’s like to feel scared and overwhelmed and inadequate. She knows what it’s like to endure traumatizing events and have the rug of your life pulled out from under you. She knows what it’s like to be alone and misunderstood and grieving. She understands. And she wants to help. She is your mother. And even when you struggle with her or resent her or feel like she doesn’t understand, she still wants to help. She wants to mother you and your babies. She wants to wipe your tears on the hardest days and hear your stories on the best days. She wants to pass on every possible grace Christ has for you, and bring you closer to Him every day of your life. That’s what her Son asked her to do. That’s what He has equipped Her to do. So try not to compare yourself to her. Just trust Him by trusting her. 

Should I pursue a career with my existing skill set or with feminine genius in mind (nurturing my existing family)?

Whether or not you pursue a career outside your home or continue to work in the home for your family is a question for you, your spouse, and God. It’s a big, important, personal question, and not one I can answer, although I will absolutely be praying for you as you discern it. What I can tell you, though, is that if you do discern God is calling you to a professional career, you don’t have to choose between your skill set and the feminine genius. It’s not an either/or kind of thing.

The feminine genius isn’t the exclusive purview of moms or homemakers. It’s an interior disposition—a habit of heart, mind, and soul—entrusted to all women by God, and one which we’re called to nurture and use every day, in every situation. No matter what we’re doing or who we’re serving, our feminine genius should go with us. God wants it to go with us. It’s how He made us—with an orientation to the particular and personal and with a proclivity for prioritizing persons over systems.

In practice, this means women have a natural gift for seeing the individual person standing in front of us. We see their unique gifts, needs, struggles, and strengths. We also have a natural gift for welcoming that person and loving that person, for nurturing their strengths and supporting them in their struggles as we challenge them, encourage them, pray for them, teach them, and do it all with feminine strength, with tenacity. These attributes make women wonderful mothers. But they also make women wonderful doctors, writers, lawyers, corporate executives, and college professors.

The feminine genius manifests differently in different women. It doesn’t look exactly the same in any two of us. Our ability to live the feminine genius also has been affected by Original Sin, particular sin, the tendency to sin, and life in a fallen world, which tells us that if we want to be successful, we have to be like men. Many of us struggle to welcome others into our lives and love people as they need to be loved. What should come naturally to us, often doesn’t. Or, at least, parts of it don’t. Which is where God’s grace comes in. We need to seek that grace and receive that grace if we want to become who God made us to be and live the feminine genius well.

We need do this for ourselves—so we can live the lives God intended us to live. But we also, need to do this for others. We need to do it for the world, which needs women exercising the feminine genius not just in the home, but in every sphere of life: government, industry, education, medicine, and more. John Paul II, in his “Letter to Women,” addressed this need, writing:

“In all these areas, a greater presence of women in society will prove most valuable, for it will help to manifest the contradictions present when society is organized solely according to the criteria of efficiency and productivity, and it will force systems to be redesigned in a way which favours the processes of humanization which mark the ‘civilization of love,’” (4).

Again, I don’t know the work to which God is calling you. But whatever it is, whatever you’re doing, whether you’re running a household or designing computer software, bringing your feminine genius to bear on that work will enrich you, your work, and all those you serve through it. It’s how God designed the world to be from the very beginning—a home made richer by the unique gifts of men and women, working together in harmony, complementing each other, and making the world better as we make each other better.

For more on the feminine genius, read John Paul II’s “Letter to Women” and Mulieris Dignitatem, plus Edith Stein’s masterful Essays on Women. I also write extensively about it in a few of my books, including These Beautiful Bones, Letters to Myself from the End of the World, and the Endow Study Guide for “Letter to Women.”

Five Things I’m Loving

1. Verily Magazine is back in print and just as beautiful as it used to be. When Verily first launched (a decade ago, I think), I was an early fan and appreciated everything they did. Now, many of the original team have come back together and are once more publishing a woman’s magazine that takes women (and beauty, virtue, intelligence, and common sense seriously).

2. The new Substack app. If you’re reading this newsletter and don’t have the app, you are missing out. The app is the easiest way to keep track of the Substack publications you most want to read, listen to podcasts (like the audio essays I share with full subscribers every month), and learn about new publications producing great, long form content on everything from salads to space. I have been using the app for over a year and love the new one even more. My inbox on Instagram and Gmail are horrible, frightening, messes, and the app has been the best way for me to not miss anything from my favorite Substacks. Best thing, of course, is that it’s free.

3. This week, on Instagram, I shared about my family’s love for woolen long underwear from Simply Merino. I wear it everyday on my morning walks from Fall through Spring, and the kids wear it under pretty much everything, day and night, as long as the temperature is under 65. It’s super soft, never itches, and helps regulate body temperature, keeping you warm all winter long. It’s also antimicrobial, so you don’t have to wash it that often. This sounds like a commercial, but it’s not! I do have a code that will save you 10 percent (Emily10), but I don’t get a kickback. I just love it so much and think you will love it too.

4. I totally got influenced by my friend Anna of In Honor of Design, and bought this OXO grape slicer from Amazon. I know: it sounds profoundly unnecessary. But as a mom of three small children, who quarters approximately 150 grapes a day, let me tell you it is the best $11.95 I have ever spent, and I wish so badly I had discovered it four years ago, when I first started quartering grapes. It is fast and easy and strangely fun.

5. This awesome recipe for apple butter. I had bags of apples to use up from our little trip to the apple orchard two weeks ago, and have always loved apple butter, so I gave it a try. It was so simple and so delicious, and I completely felt like Laura Ingalls Wilder by the time I was done.

In Case You Missed It

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