Thank you so much for your words about praying as a single person. I love your double petition. The struggles in every season are something I remind myself of when I fall into the temptation of idolizing or glorifying marriage and family life. I’m 33, not dating anyone, striving to live as a Christian disciple, and I write about my joys and struggles here on Substack because I wasn’t seeing my experience represented anywhere. It helps to be reminded that I’m not alone and there is immense beauty in this season, even if it’s not what I ever hoped for for myself.
The vast majority of therapists in this country have been trained at universities that teach Marxist/Communist ideas. One of their primary goals is to cut off a generation from the past in order to remake it in their image and this includes separating children from their families and replace them with the state! These therapists, in droves, are instructing their patients to leave their "toxic" parents, all the while going to the bank with clicks, subscribes and old-fashioned dollars by diluting the definition of "toxic" to anything short of perfection. (This standard would have classified many Biblical heroes and Saints as "toxic"!) This is a grave injustice and the cause of much suffering for parents now, for children later, and for any grandchildren to come. My heartfelt message to the people who have cut off their parents: Please, reconsider! Learn to forgive just as you want to be forgiven for your errors. "The measure with which you measure will be measured out to you." Mathhew7:2.
I don't believe that the 'vast majority' of therapists are 'instructing' their patients/clients to do anything. Most therapists won't instruct patients to take any particular course of action. I'm sure that there are unethical therapists out there who do badger their patients to act in a certain way, but most do not. If someone decides to cut their parent off after starting therapy, it is probably not because their therapist is a Marxist with an agenda, but because what they were working on in therapy forced them to confront something that was deeply wrong in their relationship with their parents. Once they have confronted that, *they* are the ones deciding whether to attempt to reconcile or to estrange themselves—not their therapist. Personally, I have been seeing therapists for well over a decade now, both before and after 'cutting off' one of my parents, and not one of those therapists ever *told* me to cut that parent off. Nor did they tell me not to. Nor did they tell me afterward that I was wrong to have done it, and if I told my therapist now that I’d decided to see that parent again, they would not order me to do otherwise. And for all the estranged adult children I’ve met, not one has estranged themselves in order to better achieve the ideals of Communism.
I have also never met a person who estranged themselves just because their parent ‘fell short of perfection’. People like that probably do exist, but they are not the norm. The cost of estrangement is steep, and the process of estranging oneself is painful. Most people are not taking that lightly, nor are they willing to go through it without trying alternative paths first. The only reason most estranged people go through the pain, shame, and social consequences involved with estrangement is that remaining in a close relationship with their parent is even worse. This is not a question of parents being ‘imperfect’ in the sense that they are just neurotic, obnoxious, a little overbearing, or a bit difficult. Few people are willing to blow up their whole lives just to get away from someone that they find ‘kind of annoying’ or disagree with politically. The definition of 'toxic' has been diluted in modern discourse, yes, and it is overused, and people are (especially online) judged in a disproportionate way--but generally, a person does not permanently end their relationship with their parents because their parents tweeted something insensitive in 2008, and they generally do not do it without attempting to find a way forward with the relationship intact. One spends *at least* the first eighteen years of one's life with one's parents, and for children with abusive parents, those eighteen years are often spent *trying* to fix the problems in the home, from before that child even has the vocabulary to describe them. An adult choosing estrangement is not copping out at their first rodeo.
While estrangement is very painful and not something most people undertake for no good reason, it is not nearly as painful as child abuse. Estrangement is not nearly as grave an injustice as child abuse. Cutting off a parent is the cause of much suffering, yes, but sticking it out with someone who is unwilling to stop abusing you is much, much worse--not only for you, but more than likely, for your spouse and children as well.
Oh thank you for the Gillian Welch recommendation. I've heard her before but haven't nearly exhausted her catalogue. This is just the muggy, moody, sincere backdrop to summer I need. So much wisdom here, as always. (Fun fact my friend's priest in DC was quoted in that Free Press article -- she was one of the not-mentioned women converting along with the many men! I was at the Vigil, absolutely packed with young converts and families. A beautiful thing! Catholicism IS cool.)
The section on honoring your parents once you become an adult hits hard, especially after a tough conversation with my dad about my desire for religious life (both my parents are Protestants and they don't understand). I have no desire to cut my parents out of my life, or to bring them grief, but I can also see that the path down which the Holy Spirit is leading me is not one they will probably ever understand or approve...so it's tough. Even without the threat of permanent separation, having to tell anyone you love, "Hey, let's not talk for a while until we can work out our feelings on this" is really painful.
My struggles with my parents years ago were very similar—they couldn’t fathom why their smart, over-achieving daughter walked away from her impressive jobs in DC, first to do missionary work and then to go to go to grad school at some small Catholic university they had never heard of in some crappy steel town. They thought I was entering a cult and were so worried about me. All our conflict was really rooted in their love for me. Although it didn’t feel like that to me then. The passage of time and my own happiness eventually made these things a non-issue. Their faith didn’t change. But their acceptance of mine did. I know now is tough. But I promise God can bring them along in ways you can’t imagine now. I know what I am about to say sounds impossible, but just entrust their worries to Him. Let Him put their minds to rest. Your job is to just to follow Jesus and love them. If they act immaturely in their worry for you, beg God for the grace not to get drawn into it and remain the mature one. In time, that will make all the difference.
Oof. That's a hard one. I can see it being especially hard for Protestant parents. Even some Catholic parents have a hard time letting their daughters and sons enter Religious Life with a "Parental" Blessing, support and encouragement. You never know what God has in store for you or your parents. In Religious Life you would have a unique opportunity to pray for your parents and their relationship with God. 👍
Thank you so much for your words about praying as a single person. I love your double petition. The struggles in every season are something I remind myself of when I fall into the temptation of idolizing or glorifying marriage and family life. I’m 33, not dating anyone, striving to live as a Christian disciple, and I write about my joys and struggles here on Substack because I wasn’t seeing my experience represented anywhere. It helps to be reminded that I’m not alone and there is immense beauty in this season, even if it’s not what I ever hoped for for myself.
You are definitely not alone! I hear from so many women in your situation. It is a definite cross at times!
Concerning the cutting-off-of-parents:
The vast majority of therapists in this country have been trained at universities that teach Marxist/Communist ideas. One of their primary goals is to cut off a generation from the past in order to remake it in their image and this includes separating children from their families and replace them with the state! These therapists, in droves, are instructing their patients to leave their "toxic" parents, all the while going to the bank with clicks, subscribes and old-fashioned dollars by diluting the definition of "toxic" to anything short of perfection. (This standard would have classified many Biblical heroes and Saints as "toxic"!) This is a grave injustice and the cause of much suffering for parents now, for children later, and for any grandchildren to come. My heartfelt message to the people who have cut off their parents: Please, reconsider! Learn to forgive just as you want to be forgiven for your errors. "The measure with which you measure will be measured out to you." Mathhew7:2.
I don't believe that the 'vast majority' of therapists are 'instructing' their patients/clients to do anything. Most therapists won't instruct patients to take any particular course of action. I'm sure that there are unethical therapists out there who do badger their patients to act in a certain way, but most do not. If someone decides to cut their parent off after starting therapy, it is probably not because their therapist is a Marxist with an agenda, but because what they were working on in therapy forced them to confront something that was deeply wrong in their relationship with their parents. Once they have confronted that, *they* are the ones deciding whether to attempt to reconcile or to estrange themselves—not their therapist. Personally, I have been seeing therapists for well over a decade now, both before and after 'cutting off' one of my parents, and not one of those therapists ever *told* me to cut that parent off. Nor did they tell me not to. Nor did they tell me afterward that I was wrong to have done it, and if I told my therapist now that I’d decided to see that parent again, they would not order me to do otherwise. And for all the estranged adult children I’ve met, not one has estranged themselves in order to better achieve the ideals of Communism.
I have also never met a person who estranged themselves just because their parent ‘fell short of perfection’. People like that probably do exist, but they are not the norm. The cost of estrangement is steep, and the process of estranging oneself is painful. Most people are not taking that lightly, nor are they willing to go through it without trying alternative paths first. The only reason most estranged people go through the pain, shame, and social consequences involved with estrangement is that remaining in a close relationship with their parent is even worse. This is not a question of parents being ‘imperfect’ in the sense that they are just neurotic, obnoxious, a little overbearing, or a bit difficult. Few people are willing to blow up their whole lives just to get away from someone that they find ‘kind of annoying’ or disagree with politically. The definition of 'toxic' has been diluted in modern discourse, yes, and it is overused, and people are (especially online) judged in a disproportionate way--but generally, a person does not permanently end their relationship with their parents because their parents tweeted something insensitive in 2008, and they generally do not do it without attempting to find a way forward with the relationship intact. One spends *at least* the first eighteen years of one's life with one's parents, and for children with abusive parents, those eighteen years are often spent *trying* to fix the problems in the home, from before that child even has the vocabulary to describe them. An adult choosing estrangement is not copping out at their first rodeo.
While estrangement is very painful and not something most people undertake for no good reason, it is not nearly as painful as child abuse. Estrangement is not nearly as grave an injustice as child abuse. Cutting off a parent is the cause of much suffering, yes, but sticking it out with someone who is unwilling to stop abusing you is much, much worse--not only for you, but more than likely, for your spouse and children as well.
Oh thank you for the Gillian Welch recommendation. I've heard her before but haven't nearly exhausted her catalogue. This is just the muggy, moody, sincere backdrop to summer I need. So much wisdom here, as always. (Fun fact my friend's priest in DC was quoted in that Free Press article -- she was one of the not-mentioned women converting along with the many men! I was at the Vigil, absolutely packed with young converts and families. A beautiful thing! Catholicism IS cool.)
The section on honoring your parents once you become an adult hits hard, especially after a tough conversation with my dad about my desire for religious life (both my parents are Protestants and they don't understand). I have no desire to cut my parents out of my life, or to bring them grief, but I can also see that the path down which the Holy Spirit is leading me is not one they will probably ever understand or approve...so it's tough. Even without the threat of permanent separation, having to tell anyone you love, "Hey, let's not talk for a while until we can work out our feelings on this" is really painful.
My struggles with my parents years ago were very similar—they couldn’t fathom why their smart, over-achieving daughter walked away from her impressive jobs in DC, first to do missionary work and then to go to go to grad school at some small Catholic university they had never heard of in some crappy steel town. They thought I was entering a cult and were so worried about me. All our conflict was really rooted in their love for me. Although it didn’t feel like that to me then. The passage of time and my own happiness eventually made these things a non-issue. Their faith didn’t change. But their acceptance of mine did. I know now is tough. But I promise God can bring them along in ways you can’t imagine now. I know what I am about to say sounds impossible, but just entrust their worries to Him. Let Him put their minds to rest. Your job is to just to follow Jesus and love them. If they act immaturely in their worry for you, beg God for the grace not to get drawn into it and remain the mature one. In time, that will make all the difference.
Thank you! Praying and trying to stay mature haha.
Oof. That's a hard one. I can see it being especially hard for Protestant parents. Even some Catholic parents have a hard time letting their daughters and sons enter Religious Life with a "Parental" Blessing, support and encouragement. You never know what God has in store for you or your parents. In Religious Life you would have a unique opportunity to pray for your parents and their relationship with God. 👍
Thank you! I am still pursuing the path and praying!