On Protestants, the Morality of Newlyweds Using NFP, and Jubilee Pilgrimages

Weekly Notes

It’s Friday morning, both my eyes are currently working, and I am expecting a house full of guests to soon arrive, so I need to get this newsletter off and go clean my bathrooms. Especially the one used most frequently by my boys …who are barbarians. Before we dive in to this week’s questions, though, don’t forget that if you are looking to buy any of my books for Easter Baskets, First Communions, or your own enjoyment, you can buy them directly from me until the end of the month.

For those of you who are new here, this newsletter—like all my weekly Q&A’s—is free to read and free to share. If you decide to upgrade your subscription, though, and become a full subscriber, you’ll also have access to my monthly deep dive essays, the chance to join the discussion in the comments, participate in the annual Advent retreat I host, and be the first to learn about (and sign up for) exciting things like our upcoming family-friendly pilgrimage to Rome. Most of all, you’ll have my eternal gratitude for making all these newsletters—free and paid—possible.

Question Box

Do you consider Protestants brothers and sisters in Christ?

Absolutely. So does the Catholic Church. If you have been baptized “in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit” and profess faith in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, you have been adopted into God’s family. Protestant or Catholic, that makes us brothers and sisters in Christ.

Unfortunately, despite Jesus’s prayer at the Last Supper, for all His followers to be one as He and the Father are one, substantial theological disagreements exist between Catholics and our Protestant brothers and sisters. Which is a tragedy. It’s something to be mourned. It’s also a scandal. It weakens our witness and weakens the body.

Accordingly, when speaking about Protestants, Catholics usually refer to them as our “separated” brothers and sisters. This has been the Church’s preferred way of referring to Protestants for over a century (even before Vatican II). And it’s preferred because it works well. It captures both realities: that we are brothers and sisters in Christ and that we are not one.

The temptation for us fallen human creatures is to neglect one reality for the other—to focus solely either on what unites us or on what divides us. For many centuries, Catholics and Protestants alike erred on the side of the latter. We made martyrs of each other, fighting wars—long wars—over what divides us and destroying the lives and faith of God only knows how many people in the process. How Jesus must have wept over that.

Now, more often than not, the temptation is to do the opposite. It’s to ignore what divides us, to pretend the divisions aren’t there, or, worst of all, to delude ourselves into thinking all interpretations of the Gospel are equally valid. Which they aren’t. The Gospel isn’t a post-modernist play. It’s the Good News of our salvation. It’s the Word of God, “the same yesterday, today, and forever,” so everyone who disagrees can’t be right (Hebrews 13:8). Some Christians are in error about serious matters of doctrine, worship, and praxis. Those errors can have everlasting consequences, so we can’t just sweep them under the rug.

By using the phrase “separated brethren,” the Church is attempting to strike a balance between those two fundamental realities—acknowledging all that we share, while reminding us that real differences still exist. She also calls us to dialogue about those differences. She wants us to work through the questions that divide us, so we can finally give Jesus what He wants: real unity, not unity at the expense of truth, but unity in truth. This is what she has called for again and again, particularly in documents such as Unitatis Redintegratio and Ut Unum Sint.

Strangely enough, the culture seems to be helping her with that effort these days. The crazier the world gets, the more it throws into relief all that unites us as Christians. It is becoming easier for many of us to see our shared love for Christ more clearly and recognize that our differences—important as they may be—don’t overshadow what we have in common. That, in turn, makes talking through our differences easier, for conversations rooted in mutual love and respect are always more fruitful than conversations rooted in animosity and distrust.

On a personal level, I am deeply grateful for the years I followed Jesus as a Protestant. Wonderful, faithful, mature Protestants discipled me and loved me and walked alongside me, teaching me so much about Jesus and the life of faith. In fact, it’s what they taught me that ultimately convinced me of the truth of the Catholic Church. I doubt I would be Catholic without those dear men and women, and so I will always consider those friends and that time as two of the greatest gifts of my life. To think of my Protestant friends as anything other than my brothers and sisters—separated in some ways, but united in others—would be impossible for me.

I do hope we don’t stay separated, though. I want everyone who loves Jesus to have every grace He wants to give them: the graces of the Eucharist, Confession, and Confirmation; the graces of friendship with Mary, the angels, and the saints; the graces of the liturgy and the liturgical calendar; the graces of the Magisterium, with its authority to interpret and safeguard Scripture; and so many more. The richness and the wonder of all Jesus offers us in the Church never fails to take my breath away. And I would be no Christian at all, if I didn’t want my Protestant friends to know that richness and wonder, too.

So, like the Church, I am trying to live in the tension of the both/and—loving, respecting, and walking in friendship with all believers, but also doing my best to explain the Church’s teachings clearly and without compromise. And, of course, always praying with and to Jesus for the grace that we all, someday, will be one.

Is it wrong to use Natural Family Planning to avoid conceiving when you’re just married versus when you already have kids? Given that you choose when to marry, why would you marry at a time when you can’t be open to life?

I am going to answer your second question first, because I think it might make my answer to the first question a little clearer. It’s also an easy answer to give because there are so very many reasons why two people might choose to get married, even at a time when they have serious reasons for avoiding conception.

Let’s start with the reason Saint Paul gives in 1 Corinthians 7:9: “But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion.”

In other words, chastity is hard. Really hard. Especially once two people have made up their minds to marry one another. Delaying the wedding inordinately is often just asking for trouble. For some couples, it is wiser to follow Saint Paul’s advice and get married sooner rather than later, even if it means using NFP for a little while.

There also can be legal reasons. If, for example, the person you plan to marry is in the armed services and there is any chance of deployment, it might be important to not delay marriage. Fiancees don’t have rights—not to information, not to benefits. Husbands and wives do.

People might also not want to delay marriage because of finances. Depending on where you live and your particular financial circumstances, it might not be possible (or prudent) to maintain two separate households through a prolonged engagement.

Health insurance is another financial reason to marry now, even if you aren’t ready for a baby to come. If one of you has good insurance and the other has poor insurance (or none at all), it can make sense to not drag out the engagement.

From job-related moves to the struggles of long-distance dating and so many more, reasons abound for making the decision to marry the person you love, even if you have discerned a need to avoid pregnancy for a bit. But the biggest reason is simply that you love the person you plan to marry.

When you love someone, you want to start your life together as soon as possible. You don’t want to wait. You want to be together. You want to go to bed together and wake up together and live your life together. That’s what love does to us. It impels us to give ourselves, totally and completely, to the one we love. It impels us to make a commitment. It also makes us impatient for the day when we can make that commitment. Because a lifetime together is not guaranteed. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. None of us know how much time we will have with the person we love, and it is the most natural thing in the world to want as much time as possible, even if that means marrying before you feel you can be fully open to life.

In an ideal world, this would never be an issue. We would always be in a place where we could eagerly and without hesitation welcome new life as soon as we marry. But we don’t live in an ideal world. We live in a fallen world, where sickness, poverty, and the complicated circumstances of our days can occasionally make it necessary to avoid pregnancy for a short time early in marriage. The Church understands this. She gets it. Which is why she doesn’t prohibit couples from using NFP right out of the gate. She trusts couples to discern, with God, what is best for them, given their own particular circumstances.

Sometimes, couples will do that discerning well. Sometimes, their reasons for using NFP will be exactly what the Church says they should be: “just,” “serious,” “well-grounded,” and “acceptable.” (Humanae Vitae, 10, 16). Other times, their reasons will be none of those things. Sometimes, the couple will use NFP because they have discerned badly or not at all, rooting their decision to avoid pregnancy in fear or selfishness or misplaced priorities. Probably even more frequently, those initial decisions will be a mix of both good and bad reasons. After all, we’re human. And it’s hard not to be selfish. Especially when you’re young.

Regardless, from the outside looking in, it’s almost impossible to tell how good or bad a person’s reasons for avoiding pregnancy are. Even if someone explains their reasons to us, they might not explain them in full. Or we might not understand them in full. Different struggles impact different people differently in different seasons. Different graces are also given to different people in different seasons. Only the couple and God really know how “deliberate and generous” they are being in their discernment (Humanae Vitae, 10).

Which is why, unless you are the person discerning using NFP on your honeymoon, I wouldn’t worry too much about someone else’s discernment. There absolutely are things that we, as Christians, can judge. We can and should make judgements about abortion being wrong, adultery being evil, and people who don’t use their turn signals being terrible drivers. But the inner-workings of another couple’s discernment about when to pursue pregnancy and when to avoid it, is not on that list. There’s just too much we can’t know.

So, in answer to your first question, no, it’s not automatically wrong to use NFP early in marriage. Sometimes it’s the best decision. Sometimes it’s not. Either way, what makes it a right or wrong decision isn’t if it happens in the beginning of a marriage or seven years down the road. What makes it a right or wrong decision is if it’s made for serious reasons or selfish reasons. Which is something only God can truly know.

I’d also keep in mind that if the motives are more selfish than serious, that tends to be a self-correcting problem. NFP can be a useful tool, but it’s not a tool anyone uses with great excitement. Using it well, for any length of time, requires a tremendous amount of virtue and sacrifice. So, more often than not, when a couple’s reasons for abstaining aren’t serious, babies start looking a whole lot more manageable soon enough.

(As always, if you’re interested in learning more about the Church’s teachings on Natural Family Planning and contraception, check out the study on Humanae Vitae that I wrote for the women’s ministry Endow.)

Do you know of any good resources to explain the year of the Jubilee?

I do! John Bergsma has a fantastic book on it called Jesus and the Jubilee: The Biblical Roots of the Year of God’s Favor. I believe the podcast Abiding Together is doing a study on it right now. And just as a little background, John is an old friend, neighbor, and former Calvinist minister, who, like me, attributes his Catholic faith in no small part to the graces of the last Jubilee year (in 2000). That year, while working on his PhD in Biblical studies at the University of Notre Dame, John became convinced that the Church’s doctrine on the Real Presence was true. By the end of the year, he had made up his mind to convert. And by the time he defended his dissertation—on the role of the Jubilee in the Old Testament as described in Leviticus 25—he was a Catholic.

John is an amazing scholar and an equally amazing teacher—his classes fill up in a day (sometimes in an hour) at Franciscan University, where he teaches—so if you haven’t read anything of his or heard him speak, definitely look him up.

What’s the decision on another pilgrimage to Italy? Are you going to be leading one this year?

We are! I am finalizing the itinerary with the tour company right now, but at this point, the plan is to depart from the United States on December 26 and return January 4. I have spent three Christmases in Italy, and this is my absolute favorite time of year to be there. Flights are cheaper, the streets are less crowded, and everything is so beautiful, with Christmas decorations and gorgeous, intricate nativity scenes (called presepio) set up in every church. For those of us who don’t want to brave the heat or the insane crowds this summer (especially with kids), this will be the best time to soak up the graces of the Jubilee Year in the very heart of the Church.

This pilgrimage really is all about the Jubilee for me. I know deep down in my bones that the graces of the Jubilee year are powerful. I believe they helped bring me home to the Catholic Church in December 2000, and I also believe they are one of the reasons why my reversion was so ridiculously easy and quick. On November 1, 2000, I was laughing at a co-worker for leaving a party to attend Mass for All Saints Day. By the very next Holy Day of Obligation, December 8, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, I was there too (and had been, daily, for a week). Going back to Rome this year with my family and some of you is my way of thanking God for the graces that made my homecoming possible. It’s also a way I can be a part of helping others benefit from the graces of the Jubilee.

As I said, we’re still finalizing the itinerary, but the pilgrimage will still be for everyone—young and old, families and singles, men and women. Last time, we had the most beautiful mix of families with young kids, couples traveling alone, and singles. It was a great, healthy dynamic, and I hope we have something similar this time. As I mentioned, Chris and I will again bring our little ones (who will be four, five, and seven when we go), and I’ll be available every step of the way—from pre-registration to the last day of the pilgrimage—to help you prepare, plan, and enjoy yourself, whether you’re traveling solo or with little ones of your own.

I can’t say too much more until we have the final schedule and pricing, but let me know if you have questions, and I’ll answer what I can. I believe our goal right now is to open registrations right around the first of April. Pilgrims who traveled with us before and those of you who are full subscribers to my newsletter will have the first chance to sign up, then we’ll open it to everyone else.

I am so excited that we will be doing this again and am already praying for everyone who will join us. We had the most joyful, graced trip last summer, with the loveliest people, so the prospect of getting to do it again (but without the 100 degree temps) has me just about jumping up and down with glee.

Five Fast Things

1. I shared a picture of our inexpensive kitchen renovation on Instagram last week, and that picture (along with the short caption) sparked a lot of dms about budget kitchen renovations. I actually wrote something for on my old blog several years ago about how to make your kitchen more functional without renovating it. So, if you’re desperate for a more functional kitchen, but short on cash, maybe this can help.

2. If you’re looking for a good Corned Beef and Cabbage recipe, I’ve been using one similar to this for close to 20 years, and it never disappoints.Just make sure to add wedges of cabbage to the meat during the last hour of cooking. (This works well in a slow cooker on low for 10 hours, too. Oh, and if cooking in the oven, I never use a rack in the pan.)

3. A new episode of Visitation Sessions went up this morning. With March 17 almost upon us, we’re talking about “Drinking, Drunkenness, and St. Paddy’s Day.”

4. If you like beautifully done, character driven old movies, Hobson’s Choice is worth a watch. We saw it for the first time this week, and were surprised by how much we enjoyed it. You can find it streaming on Cinemax (via Prime), which we normally don’t have, but Toby got hold of the remote last week, and, in the process of trying to buy a new episode of Scooby Doo, also ended up buying us a Cinemax subscription. So we’re making the most of the month we’ve already paid for!

5. Monica and Renzo Ortega of

   Two Become Family
   are heading our way this weekend to record an episode of Visitation Sessions about their new book, Lovemaking: How to Talk About Sex With Your Spouse. The book is terrific—clear, accessible, and faithful—and I have been recommending it to everyone I know. I think it would be especially helpful, though, for engaged couples and newly married couples, so if you want to give a spicy yet faithful wedding or wedding shower gift, this fits the bill. In the meantime, if you have any questions you want us to ask them, let me know in the comments below (or drop me a dm if you want to keep it private!)

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In Case You Missed It

Surrogacy, NFP, and Keeping the Faith When the Church Disappoints (Free to All Subscribers)

Making Home: On the Redemption of the Ordinary (Full Subscribers Only)

Family Size, Soul Ties, and Fatherhood (Free to All Subscribers)

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Let’s Meet in Person This Year!

May 3, Buffalo Catholic Women’s Conference, Buffalo, NY

May 8, The Canadian March for Life Rose Dinner Gala, Ontario, Canada

August 1: Superior Diocesan Council of Catholic Women Convention, Woodruff, Wisconsin

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