Thank you for your explanation about NFP and newlyweds. It has never occurred to me before that there might be valid reasons for marriage, at the same time as valid reasons for delaying babies. I appreciate your nuance and charity, and also your clarity.
Thanks so much for your compassionate explanation of why people might get married when they're not quite ready for babies yet. That was us! Time limits on visas, a transatlantic move and lots of uncertainty, a military commission, a dying father, and very very limited finances were all at play; so much felt out of control. But, in a plot twist even though I didn't feel ready for a baby a baby came, and we welcomed her and coped as best we could. So even if we had valid reasons to try to avoid, life/God found a way and we were open by the very fact of using NFP and abortion not being on the table. I love A Sinner's Guide to NFP by Simcha Fisher for anyone looking for a funny and compassionate read about this topic (full of encouragement not to judge couples, as you just never know what's going on from the outside - or even sometimes from the inside! 😅).
Love this Emily. I give thanks for your writing every time I read it.
You captured the nuance on NFP so well. I think one thing couples should understand is that even if they have discerned incompletely or selfishly, NFP itself isn’t sinful because it doesn’t thwart any of the functions of sexuality. It’s not illicit for a married couple to have intercourse on any particular day of the woman’s cycle, whether they are abstaining during the fertile window or not. (It would be weird to instruct a couple to ONLY have recourse to the fertile window and never the other parts of the cycle!)
I also loved your thoughts on the Protestant question. My seminarian son has had a group of Protestant friends for several years now whom he met as a homeschooled teenager taking community college classes. This group of (mostly) young men were either also fellow homeschooled teens or former homeschoolers. They were a great home base for him and shared so many of our values, but he quickly learned that he as a Catholic had a much kinder view of their faith than they had of ours. There was so much back and forth, many wrong assertions about whether or not Catholics are Christian and HUGE misunderstandings about Catholic doctrine (a couple of these guys are the sons of a Protestant pastor). But through these friendships, our son was challenged to learn his own faith more thoroughly and make a defense for it. In fact it helped him discern his vocation to the priesthood. I’ll always be thankful that these are the friends he encountered as a 16-year-old stepping onto a community college campus!
Thanks for your comments on NFP! I have a couple things to add:
First, the question "Why would you marry at a time when you can’t be open to life?" represents a fundamental misunderstanding of NFP. Doing NFP is *in itself* being open to life. That's the whole point of NFP, after all! Just practicing NFP, even if you're trying to avoid or delay pregnancy, means you're purposely not using contraception and you're being open to conceiving a baby.
Second, I'd tell people not to underestimate just how physically, emotionally, and financially taxing both wedding planning and pregnancies are, *especially* for women--even in the best of circumstances. While engaged, you're likely doing all the major work of planning a wedding, doing marriage prep, learning NFP, navigating expectations of family and future in-laws, looking for a place to live with your future spouse, planning a honeymoon, making a registry, adjusting to the idea of no longer being single, etc. While pregnant, you're dealing with morning sickness, exhaustion, mood swings, and a changing body; researching baby care; taking childbirth and breastfeeding classes; adjusting budgets, etc. All of that can take a huge toll! While everyone has different circumstances, it can be extremely beneficial for one's health and one's marriage to take a breather after the wedding and focus on setting up a strong foundation as a married couple before trying to get pregnant, as long as the couple remains open to the possibility of a baby.
I am engaged and this is me right now! ;) As our wedding started to get closer, the thought of potentially being pregnant immediately after felt increasingly overwhelming to both of us. I think there's something to be said for getting your marital "legs" underneath you and taking a discerned breather for a short period of time. I'm Protestant so am not necessarily starting from the same framework for thinking about family planning, but appreciated this perspective and resonated with it.
I appreciate your answer about NFP. So many reason not to delay getting married and so many reasons not to judge anyone else’s decision about using NFP!
I chuckled at Toby accidentally subscribing to Cinemax. Glad you’re making the best of it!
No arguments that we don’t need to judge people’s decisions on NFP, BUT I do think that young couples often need to hear some encouragement that it’s ok to just let babies come. There is a lot of societal pressure to have the “perfect” engagement time frame, wedding and honeymoon and then newlywed time. Add to that lots of well intentioned messaging on nfp from the church getting pregnant right away can feel like a mistake. Also chastity within marriage is difficult too and I have never found NFP to be self correcting because sin is close at hand. Maybe if you are frequenting the sacraments?
Oh I totally agree about young people needing that encouragement. There are some pretty big (and young) Catholic influencers though, who have been coming down hard on newlyweds using NFP, basically telling them that it’s a sin to get married if the plan on using it right away. So that is more what I was speaking to here.
As someone active in marriage ministry, both in person and online, I think your response to the NFP question is the most eloquent answer I've ever read on the subject! Thank you so much for your clarity. We truly will never know all of the intricacies of someone else's marriage, and I'm so grateful the Church has given us a tool (NFP) that naturally (pun not intended, ha) roots out any selfishness we might be struggling with.
Thank you for writing in a charitable way about our Protestant brothers and sisters. I grew up attending a Baptist private school and have shocked many a Catholic when I tell them that the foundation of my faith comes from both that school and my Catholic upbringing. In turn, I’ve been shocked over the years by friends who never met a Protestant until they went to college after a lifetime of Catholic schools. Learning about other religions is so important not just in learning overall tolerance for other’s opinions, but can many times deepen our own faith as well.
My husband and I married right before I graduated from medical school. I was staring down the barrel of 4 years of 80-hour work weeks in residency and our initial plan was to use NFP to delay pregnancy. We both underestimated the GRACES of the sacrament of marriage though, and a few weeks after our wedding we felt more comfortable with the idea of a baby. Our oldest was born 9 months later! Based on this positive experience of becoming parents right away, I do think I’ve gradually become more judgmental of couples who delay childbirth with NFP. Thank you for your balanced and nuanced take on this subject… I needed to read this to curb my tendency towards judging.
We're a family of 5 and veryyyy interested in more info about the pilgrimage. However, we wouldn't be flying from the US, is it still possible to join?
It’s absolutely possible! You would just choose the land only option when registering for the trip, then arrange for your own transportation to Rome. Quite a few pilgrims and families did that last time, as they were able to use points or miles for their flight, which made it more affordable for them.
What a delightfully honest and domestic dispatch! One does not often see a seamless blend of hospitality, humour, and holy hustle. May the cleaning go swiftly, the boys aim straighter, and the guests bring more joy than mess.
And friends—do take note: few things belong in an Easter basket more than a good Catholic book. Support the writer, bless your loved ones, and maybe even win a soul. A fair trade, I dare say.
When my wife and I got married, we made the conscious decision to not worry about NFP, and we got pregnant right away, which was an absolute joy. Then, we practiced NFP for a few months and we are now about to have our second child.
These Catholic influencers telling people it’s a sin to use NFP unless you meet some arbitrary requirement is (a) simply missing the point about NFP, which is that it is using a woman’s natural fertility, which God granted, to either delay or avoid having children, but it is, by its very use, open to life. And (b) it is placing undue burden on couples that the Church herself doesn’t place on couples. The Church grants the use of NFP because it is not contrary to the natural law or the moral law, so these influencers who try to go above and beyond the Church are placing a higher burden on couples that the Church is requiring.
I was afraid to read the NFP section to be honest- but was pleasantly surprised. My husband is military and we were moving overseas literally one week after our wedding (we did have to do “paperwork” (ie civil ceremony) so I could move with him but didn’t treat that as a wedding at all). Because of the big move, my own temperament, and other factors we discerned (with our priest) to avoid even on the honeymoon/wedding night.
That summer was so difficult- I cried practically every day. Using NFP to avoid was absolutely the right move
Your final point about using NFP early in marriage is spot on! My husband and I planned to use NFP to delay pregnancy until I could graduate from college and pay off some student loans. But NFP is hard and 22 year olds are super fertile (even when they become infertile less than 10 years later). The motivation to delay wasn't aligned with the difficulty of doing so in practice. Our honeymoon baby turns 18 next week and I can't imagine our life without him!
Love love love!!! I restacked this, Emily! I’m not sure how to tag?! Ahh I’m so sorry! Trying to get the hang of this Substack thing! ;-) you captured my heart with this one. This Protestant Girl longs for unity! ❤️
Thank you for your explanation about NFP and newlyweds. It has never occurred to me before that there might be valid reasons for marriage, at the same time as valid reasons for delaying babies. I appreciate your nuance and charity, and also your clarity.
Thanks so much for your compassionate explanation of why people might get married when they're not quite ready for babies yet. That was us! Time limits on visas, a transatlantic move and lots of uncertainty, a military commission, a dying father, and very very limited finances were all at play; so much felt out of control. But, in a plot twist even though I didn't feel ready for a baby a baby came, and we welcomed her and coped as best we could. So even if we had valid reasons to try to avoid, life/God found a way and we were open by the very fact of using NFP and abortion not being on the table. I love A Sinner's Guide to NFP by Simcha Fisher for anyone looking for a funny and compassionate read about this topic (full of encouragement not to judge couples, as you just never know what's going on from the outside - or even sometimes from the inside! 😅).
Love this Emily. I give thanks for your writing every time I read it.
You captured the nuance on NFP so well. I think one thing couples should understand is that even if they have discerned incompletely or selfishly, NFP itself isn’t sinful because it doesn’t thwart any of the functions of sexuality. It’s not illicit for a married couple to have intercourse on any particular day of the woman’s cycle, whether they are abstaining during the fertile window or not. (It would be weird to instruct a couple to ONLY have recourse to the fertile window and never the other parts of the cycle!)
I also loved your thoughts on the Protestant question. My seminarian son has had a group of Protestant friends for several years now whom he met as a homeschooled teenager taking community college classes. This group of (mostly) young men were either also fellow homeschooled teens or former homeschoolers. They were a great home base for him and shared so many of our values, but he quickly learned that he as a Catholic had a much kinder view of their faith than they had of ours. There was so much back and forth, many wrong assertions about whether or not Catholics are Christian and HUGE misunderstandings about Catholic doctrine (a couple of these guys are the sons of a Protestant pastor). But through these friendships, our son was challenged to learn his own faith more thoroughly and make a defense for it. In fact it helped him discern his vocation to the priesthood. I’ll always be thankful that these are the friends he encountered as a 16-year-old stepping onto a community college campus!
Thanks for your comments on NFP! I have a couple things to add:
First, the question "Why would you marry at a time when you can’t be open to life?" represents a fundamental misunderstanding of NFP. Doing NFP is *in itself* being open to life. That's the whole point of NFP, after all! Just practicing NFP, even if you're trying to avoid or delay pregnancy, means you're purposely not using contraception and you're being open to conceiving a baby.
Second, I'd tell people not to underestimate just how physically, emotionally, and financially taxing both wedding planning and pregnancies are, *especially* for women--even in the best of circumstances. While engaged, you're likely doing all the major work of planning a wedding, doing marriage prep, learning NFP, navigating expectations of family and future in-laws, looking for a place to live with your future spouse, planning a honeymoon, making a registry, adjusting to the idea of no longer being single, etc. While pregnant, you're dealing with morning sickness, exhaustion, mood swings, and a changing body; researching baby care; taking childbirth and breastfeeding classes; adjusting budgets, etc. All of that can take a huge toll! While everyone has different circumstances, it can be extremely beneficial for one's health and one's marriage to take a breather after the wedding and focus on setting up a strong foundation as a married couple before trying to get pregnant, as long as the couple remains open to the possibility of a baby.
I am engaged and this is me right now! ;) As our wedding started to get closer, the thought of potentially being pregnant immediately after felt increasingly overwhelming to both of us. I think there's something to be said for getting your marital "legs" underneath you and taking a discerned breather for a short period of time. I'm Protestant so am not necessarily starting from the same framework for thinking about family planning, but appreciated this perspective and resonated with it.
Congrats on your engagement! I've been married for 2 years, and it's been the absolute best! I hope you have a beautiful wedding and marriage ❤️
I appreciate your answer about NFP. So many reason not to delay getting married and so many reasons not to judge anyone else’s decision about using NFP!
I chuckled at Toby accidentally subscribing to Cinemax. Glad you’re making the best of it!
No arguments that we don’t need to judge people’s decisions on NFP, BUT I do think that young couples often need to hear some encouragement that it’s ok to just let babies come. There is a lot of societal pressure to have the “perfect” engagement time frame, wedding and honeymoon and then newlywed time. Add to that lots of well intentioned messaging on nfp from the church getting pregnant right away can feel like a mistake. Also chastity within marriage is difficult too and I have never found NFP to be self correcting because sin is close at hand. Maybe if you are frequenting the sacraments?
Oh I totally agree about young people needing that encouragement. There are some pretty big (and young) Catholic influencers though, who have been coming down hard on newlyweds using NFP, basically telling them that it’s a sin to get married if the plan on using it right away. So that is more what I was speaking to here.
Ah, that makes total sense. I had a woman at church tell my mom when I was getting married that she hoped I don’t have a bunch of kids right away!
How terribly sad and discouraging!
As someone active in marriage ministry, both in person and online, I think your response to the NFP question is the most eloquent answer I've ever read on the subject! Thank you so much for your clarity. We truly will never know all of the intricacies of someone else's marriage, and I'm so grateful the Church has given us a tool (NFP) that naturally (pun not intended, ha) roots out any selfishness we might be struggling with.
Thank you for writing in a charitable way about our Protestant brothers and sisters. I grew up attending a Baptist private school and have shocked many a Catholic when I tell them that the foundation of my faith comes from both that school and my Catholic upbringing. In turn, I’ve been shocked over the years by friends who never met a Protestant until they went to college after a lifetime of Catholic schools. Learning about other religions is so important not just in learning overall tolerance for other’s opinions, but can many times deepen our own faith as well.
My husband and I married right before I graduated from medical school. I was staring down the barrel of 4 years of 80-hour work weeks in residency and our initial plan was to use NFP to delay pregnancy. We both underestimated the GRACES of the sacrament of marriage though, and a few weeks after our wedding we felt more comfortable with the idea of a baby. Our oldest was born 9 months later! Based on this positive experience of becoming parents right away, I do think I’ve gradually become more judgmental of couples who delay childbirth with NFP. Thank you for your balanced and nuanced take on this subject… I needed to read this to curb my tendency towards judging.
We're a family of 5 and veryyyy interested in more info about the pilgrimage. However, we wouldn't be flying from the US, is it still possible to join?
It’s absolutely possible! You would just choose the land only option when registering for the trip, then arrange for your own transportation to Rome. Quite a few pilgrims and families did that last time, as they were able to use points or miles for their flight, which made it more affordable for them.
Ooh this could be us, too! Thankful you asked this question!
What a delightfully honest and domestic dispatch! One does not often see a seamless blend of hospitality, humour, and holy hustle. May the cleaning go swiftly, the boys aim straighter, and the guests bring more joy than mess.
And friends—do take note: few things belong in an Easter basket more than a good Catholic book. Support the writer, bless your loved ones, and maybe even win a soul. A fair trade, I dare say.
When my wife and I got married, we made the conscious decision to not worry about NFP, and we got pregnant right away, which was an absolute joy. Then, we practiced NFP for a few months and we are now about to have our second child.
These Catholic influencers telling people it’s a sin to use NFP unless you meet some arbitrary requirement is (a) simply missing the point about NFP, which is that it is using a woman’s natural fertility, which God granted, to either delay or avoid having children, but it is, by its very use, open to life. And (b) it is placing undue burden on couples that the Church herself doesn’t place on couples. The Church grants the use of NFP because it is not contrary to the natural law or the moral law, so these influencers who try to go above and beyond the Church are placing a higher burden on couples that the Church is requiring.
I was afraid to read the NFP section to be honest- but was pleasantly surprised. My husband is military and we were moving overseas literally one week after our wedding (we did have to do “paperwork” (ie civil ceremony) so I could move with him but didn’t treat that as a wedding at all). Because of the big move, my own temperament, and other factors we discerned (with our priest) to avoid even on the honeymoon/wedding night.
That summer was so difficult- I cried practically every day. Using NFP to avoid was absolutely the right move
Your final point about using NFP early in marriage is spot on! My husband and I planned to use NFP to delay pregnancy until I could graduate from college and pay off some student loans. But NFP is hard and 22 year olds are super fertile (even when they become infertile less than 10 years later). The motivation to delay wasn't aligned with the difficulty of doing so in practice. Our honeymoon baby turns 18 next week and I can't imagine our life without him!
The pilgrimage sounds so incredible! What is the best way to get in touch with you for some questions about it?
Feel free to dm me here or email at emilystimpsonchapman@gmail.com.
Love love love!!! I restacked this, Emily! I’m not sure how to tag?! Ahh I’m so sorry! Trying to get the hang of this Substack thing! ;-) you captured my heart with this one. This Protestant Girl longs for unity! ❤️