Navigating Funerals, Praying to Grandma, and Hoping for Heaven

Weekly Notes

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Question Box

Normally, these Q&A’s have no particular theme, but occasionally I get such a large number of questions on a similar topic, that I decide to group them all together. That is the case this week. So many questions related to funerals and our ongoing relationship with departed loved ones came up during my last Instagram Q&A that I decided to try and address them together. If you want to go deeper on these topics, however, I recommend reading the book Scott Hahn and I co-wrote together: Hope to Die: The Christian Understanding of the Resurrection of the Body.

Is it okay to just have family at the funeral or is it better to have as many people praying for that person’s soul as possible? Asking because my abusive mother is nearing the end of her life, and the funeral is going to be very hard.

First, I am so very sorry. I am sorry about the looming loss of your mother. I am sorry for the pain she caused you in the past, and I am sorry for all the pain your broken relationship is causing in the present. You are processing so much right now, and it makes total sense that even the thought of her funeral feels overwhelming.

As for your question, when making tough decisions like this, it might help to keep in mind that a Catholic funeral service consists of three separate liturgies or services—the Visitation (or Wake), the Funeral (or Requiem) Mass, and the Rite of Committal (or Interment). So, you don’t have to make a blanket decision about all three.

For those not familiar with the various parts of a Catholic funeral, the Visitation usually (but not always) takes place at a funeral home the evening before the Funeral Mass. In addition to people stopping by to offer their condolences to the family, it includes a short service, usually presided over by a priest or deacon. Sometimes a Rosary is prayed. Other times, Scripture is read and intercessory prayers are offered. If the family wants to give eulogies, this properly happens at the Visitation, which, at its heart, is about remembering and honoring the earthly life of the deceased.

The Funeral Mass takes place after the Visitation (either immediately or, more often, the next day) in a church and is the prayer of the Church for the dead. As opposed to the Visitation, which focuses on remembering the earthly life of the deceased, the Funeral Mass focuses on eternal life and commending the soul of the departed to God’s mercy.

The Rite of Committal follows the Funeral Mass and involves prayers for the departed at the burial site or mausoleum. Because the Church requires ashes to be reposed in a consecrated place (and prefers bodies not be cremated at all when possible), an interment ceremony should take place regardless of whether a person has been buried or cremated.

The entirety of a Catholic funeral service has a two-fold purpose. The first is to pray for the dead, asking God to have mercy on the departed and welcome them home to Heaven. This practice is rooted in Scripture passages like 2 Maccabees 12:39-48 and 2 Timothy 1:16-18, as well as two thousand years of Christian tradition. (More on why Catholics believe we can pray for the dead is here).

But the funeral isn’t just for the dead; it’s also for the living. Part of its purpose is also to bring comfort, consolation, and hope to those who remain behind. That hope is hope for Heaven. It’s also hope that the wounds in relationships and hearts, which remained unhealed in this life, can be healed in the next.

With that in mind, let’s go back to your question. Please know, you are not under any obligation to invite as many people as possible to your mother’s funeral. Funerals are not numbers games. Their efficacy is not determined by how many people pack a church for any given Mass or ceremony. Their efficacy is rooted in the one saving sacrifice of Christ, which gives power to the prayers of the Church. As members of the Church, our individual prayers are likewise powerful because of Christ. But Jesus is not bound by them. It’s not like He never pours out abundant mercy on poor, hidden souls who die in obscurity with no one to mourn them.

At the same time, prayer is good. Prayer is important. And it is a kindness of God that He lets us participate in the salvation of the world and individual souls through the offering of our prayers and suffering (see Colossians 1:24). He is so generous to allow that, and it would be a shame to refuse that generosity by not giving people the opportunity to come to the Requiem Mass to pray for your mother. It also would be a shame to deny them the chance to receive the comfort, consolation, and hope a Requiem Mass can bring. Even if not everyone present is mourning the loss of your mother, grief is a mysterious thing. So is grace. And attending a Requiem Mass for a mere acquaintance can sometimes bring healing to a wound left by the loss of another.

Perhaps, given your situation, you might consider keeping the Requiem Mass open to the public, but limit the Visitation to only family and skip the eulogies. You also could limit the Rite of Committal and any meal afterwards to family only. Another option would be to have the Visitation in the church before the Mass. Your mother could lie in repose there for an hour or two before the Mass and people who want to come say a prayer over her, could do it then, without you having to deal with a receiving line or eulogies.

Basically, I think you could set up boundaries around some aspects of the funeral and spare yourself a great deal of anxiety, without keeping the whole thing private. But you and your siblings will know best, so I’ll be praying for you as you make these decisions.

Are petitionary prayers to a non-saint okay? Like to grandma?

If you want to invoke your grandma in the Mass or some other form of public prayer, no. We’re only allowed to publicly invoke the intercession of the angels and canonized saints. But if you are just asking for her help in a private prayer, it’s absolutely fine. It’s good!

The Catholic Church teaches that our communion with our brothers and sisters in Christ doesn’t end with death. In endures for all eternity, with the fruits of prayer flowing in both directions across the veil. And if your Grandma is with Christ, she can pray for you now with a power her prayers never had while she lived on earth. She’s closer to Christ now, so her prayers are made even more powerful by her nearness to Him. As T.S. Eliot wrote, the prayers of the blessed dead are “tongued with fire beyond the language of the living.”

But is this only true of those in Heaven or is it also true of those in Purgatory?

There actually is some disagreement in Church tradition about whether or not the souls in Purgatory can pray for us. Saint Thomas Aquinas thought no, but other great saints, including Saints Alphonsus Liguori, Catherine of Bologna, and Padre Pio, all thought yes. The Catechism seems to concur with this latter group, however, as it talks about how our prayers for the souls in Purgatory make “their intercession effective,” (58).

To understand how this is possible, it helps to remember that the fate of the souls in Purgatory has been decided. They are bound for Heaven. Purgatory is, in some ways, like the mudroom of Heaven, where souls undergo their final purification—the spiritual equivalent of a grace-soaked shower. This purification or cleansing washes away all lingering traces of sin or disordered attachments so that the soul can more fully enter into the glories of the Beatific Vision. The souls in Purgatory are all God’s beloved children. They are saved. They are redeemed. They are part of the Communion of Saints. And although they likely don’t have the direct knowledge of events on earth that angels and saints have, there is no reason that God can’t make our needs known to them, so they can pray for us. In his classic work on prayer, Saint Alphonsus Liguori explains:

“[W]e should piously believe that God manifests our prayer to those holy souls in order that they may pray for us; and that so the charitable interchange of mutual prayer may be kept up between them and us…

“[I]n this state they are well able to pray, as they are friends of God. If a father keeps a son whom he tenderly loves in confinement for some fault; if the son then is not in a state to pray for himself, is that any reason why he cannot pray for others? And may he not expect to obtain what he asks, knowing, as he does, his father’s affection for him? So the souls in purgatory, being beloved by God, and confirmed in grace, have absolutely no impediment to prevent them from praying for us.”

In the end, the Church has never discouraged the faithful from invoking the prayers of the souls in Purgatory, so you should feel absolutely free to ask Grandma for help. If she can give it, she’ll joyfully give it. And if she can’t, you can have confidence that God hears every prayer offered in genuine faith and will make sure that no need of yours goes unmet.

Is it presumptuous to think our deceased loved ones are in Heaven or even Purgatory?

Yes and no. Yes, it’s presumptuous to assert, without a doubt, that someone we love is in Heaven. This is because none of us are God, so none of us can truly know the state of our loved ones’ souls. We don’t know the true depths of faith or sin in anyone’s heart. The graces given, the struggles overcome, the secrets harbored—none of that can be discerned with the human eye. So, yes, it would be presumptuous for anyone to think, with absolute certainty, that a loved one has been welcomed into life everlasting by Christ (barring the Church publicly canonizing them, of course).

What is not presumptuous, however, is for us to hope they are with Christ. It’s not even presumptuous to feel hopefully confident they are with Christ. We know Jesus promised to save all those who call upon His name. We know He is rich in mercy. And we know He loves every single person we have lost more than we do. Having confidence in that power, mercy, and love is an act of Faith in Him, not our loved ones or our own judgement.

We also know that God hears our prayers. If the judge could be trusted to answer the petitions of the persistent widow, how much more can a loving Father be trusted to answer the prayers of His children? A lot, according to Jesus. And so we can trust that the prayers we offer for our loved ones, before and after death, have power. We can trust that the prayers of the Church have power. We don’t know how God uses those prayers or in what mysterious ways they shape the choices of a soul. But we can have great hope that our God, who is outside of time, can use the prayers of the faithful to help a person choose Him and enter into life with Him.

I don’t know if my dad or grandparents or friends who’ve died are in Heaven. I have great hope, however, that they are either with Christ or on their way to Him via Purgatory I have this hope because I know the graces of baptism and the other sacraments are real. I also have this hope because I have good reason to believe they cast themselves on Christ’s mercy while they lived. I trust in that mercy. But I pray for it, too.

You can do both—trust and pray. You actually should do both. You should trust that Christ loves your departed loved ones with a love that surpasses all imagining. And you should pray for Him to have mercy on them, to help them, to lead them home.

That’s what I’m doing for my loved ones. It’s also what I’m doing for myself. I ask Jesus to hold me close every day. I ask Him to continue blessing me with the gift of faith. I ask Him to forgive me and have mercy on me. And I trust that He will. I trust that He hears my prayers. I trust His love, as much as I trust His mercy. And because of that, I have great hope that I will see my loved ones again in Heaven. I am so excited for that day. I look forward to it with hopeful anticipation, but not with presumptuous entitlement. The first is an act of faith in Christ—in His goodness and mercy. The second is an act of faith in myself—in my wisdom, knowledge, and goodness. That’s the essential difference.

How can I encourage someone (a parent) to have a funeral, who doesn’t plan on it?

I suppose it depends on why they don’t want a funeral. Finding that reason out is probably the place to start. Do they think it’s a big fuss and don’t want a fuss? Is it the cost? Do they not believe the prayers are necessary? Is there another reason?

Once you know the reasons why, you can talk through those reasons. You also can remind them that funerals are for the living, as well as for the dead. The funeral is not just about their needs; it’s about the needs of others. And even if they (wrongly) think they won’t need it, the people who love them will. You will.

In the end, though, the dead are dead. They don’t necessarily get a say in everything that happens after they’re gone. And whether they realize it or not now, once they are dead, they will absolutely want the prayers and graces that come from a funeral. So, I would recommend talking to a trusted priest and seeing what He suggests you do if they never do come around to the idea of one. At minimum, you can arrange for some kind of private memorial Mass that can be offered for them, which you and other friends and family could attend. You also can arrange to have the Gregorian Masses said—30 days of Masses for the dead—which are an incredibly powerful means of grace. Chris and I had them offered for my father when he died, and we’re committed to having them offered for all our parents when they pass, as well.

I totally get wanting your parents to have a funeral if it’s at all possible, but the most important thing, in the long run, is for them to have your prayers and the prayers of the Church. You can make sure they have those no matter what. And in the end, they will thank you for that.

A Few Quick Things

1. On Wednesday, we dropped the latest Visitation Sessions, this time on sickness and suffering. Then, on Thursday, I got sick for the 8,432nd time this winter. This year has been my worst for sickness ever, and I am contemplating flying off to a desert island to get well. If you don’t hear from me for a while, that’s where I am.

2. Actually, before I fly to a desert island, the family and I are driving down to Houston so I can record two talks for the new women’s apostolate She Shall Be Called Woman (SHE). Started by Paradisus Dei (which also founded the men’s ministry That Man is You), SHE is a free parish-based program designed to help Catholic women grow closer to God. They launched in parishes across the country this year, so my talks will be part of next year’s program. If you’re looking for a way to enrich your parish’s offerings for women, you can learn more about them here. And pray for me and the family please, both for safe travels and for my talks, as I am stepping way, way, way out of my comfort zone to do this. We leave Wednesday, but I’ll do my best to still get a newsletter out next week.

3. If you’re looking for a great resource for your family for Lent, the lovely Katie Bogner has produced yet another wonderful one. All About Lent and Holy Week: Sharing the Seasons of Repentance and Salvation with Children is available for pre-order now and will ship before Lent begins on March 1.

4. Our dear friends and podcast partners, Kate and Casey Stapleton, have spent the past three years working on a documentary called The Inner Seas. It tells the story of Kate’s decision to place her birth daughter for adoption 24 years ago, and the music-soaked journey on which that decision has taken her. It’s a beautiful glimpse of how grief, hope, longing, and love are all intermingled in adoption. More fundamentally, it reveals how God’s plans are so much bigger and so very different from our own. The Inner Seas will be making its world premiere at the Door County Film Festival next weekend, so if you’re near Fish Creek, Wisconsin, you should definitely check it out. For those who can’t make, here is the trailer. We’ll share more information as soon as we can about how you can bring this film (and Kate!) to your high school, college, or pro-life gathering.

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Let’s Meet in Person This Year!

After a nearly five-year, baby-induced hiatus from public speaking, I am once again taking on a limited number of speaking engagements. If you’re near one of my upcoming talks, I would love to meet you in person. And if you’re interested in bringing me in to speak to your group, feel free to email me with the date, size, theme, and location of the event, and I can send you information.

May 3, Buffalo Catholic Women’s Conference, Buffalo, NY

May 8, The Canadian March for Life Rose Dinner Gala, Ontario, Canada

August 1: Superior Diocesan Council of Catholic Women Convention, Woodruff, Wisconsin

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