Astrology, Politics, and Parenting, Oh My!

Weekly Notes

It’s Friday, all my talks for the month are behind me, and my cookbook is completely out of my hands, so I was able to do a proper Q&A for the first time in ages. This week’s questions are brought to you by my followers on Instagram, who sent me a slew of questions, only four of which I was only able to answer today. I will try to answer more on Instagram Stories, when we make the drive back to Illinois, next week, for Thanksgiving.

In the meantime, one question I can address quickly was about my plans for this newsletter during Advent. For the past three years, I’ve done a kind of mini-retreat for full Subscribers in the weeks leading up to Christmas, and I have plans to do one again this year. I’m changing the format up quite a bit, though, and am almost done sketching everything out. I am super, super excited about what I have planned and will share more about that here, with everyone, next week.

Stay tuned! (And join us as a full subscriber if you haven’t already. You’re not going to want to miss this.)

Question Box

Does the Church teach anything definitive about the study or use of astrology?

It does. It definitively condemns it, explaining in the Catechism that:

“All forms of divination are to be rejected: recourse to Satan or demons, conjuring up the dead or other practices falsely supposed to ‘unveil’ the future. Consulting horoscopes, astrology, palm reading, interpretation of omens and lots, the phenomena of clairvoyance, and recourse to mediums all conceal a desire for power over time, history, and, in the last analysis, other human beings, as well as a wish to conciliate hidden powers. They contradict the honor, respect, and loving fear that we owe to God alone.” (CCC 2116)

At best, astrology, horoscopes, tarot cards, and all forms of divination are foolish and wasteful, leading us to give money to hucksters and charlatans that we should give to the poor or spend on loved ones. At worst, all these forms of divination entangle us with dark forces that do not have our best interests at heart, that in fact hate God, hate us, and seek to undermine Him by destroying us. But what they never are is helpful. They never lead us to truth.

Remember, God is God. His thoughts are not our thoughts, His ways are not our ways, and His plans are inscrutable. We cannot know them. They cannot be divined in the stars, traced in the palm of a hand, or glimpsed through a crystal ball. Yes, demons can use their angelic intelligence to guess at the future. Yes, demons can pass those guesses on to human beings. And yes, those guesses can, occasionally, be right. But this is either because the demons guessed correctly or because humans let mediums, fortune tellers, horoscopes, and other occult objects influence their decisions. Either way, what was passed on was still only a guess, never knowledge.

To think that it is knowledge is to not understand who God is. It’s to not understand His greatness, His power, His majesty, or His love. It’s to make Him less than God. It’s to make Him someone whose secrets can be bought and sold for a price. And if that’s who we think we’re worshipping, we’re not worshipping God at all. We’re worshipping something else and violating the First Commandment in the process.

God doesn’t want that. God doesn’t want us trafficking with demons who want to destroy us. He wants us to love Him and trust Him and follow Him. He wants us to rest in Him, knowing that no matter what will come, He is with us and working through all circumstances to bring about our ultimate good.

But, of course, that’s why so many people turn to divination in the first place. They don’t trust God. For some, this is because they don’t know Him at all. They don’t believe in Him, and they feel absolutely lost in a universe too big to comprehend. Without Scripture, the Magisterium, and the Holy Spirit to guide them, they are at sea. Others do know Him, but not really, not truly, not enough to trust Him. Even with Scripture, the Magisterium, and the Holy Spirit, though, there is so much we don’t know. God does not micromanage us. He gives us great freedom. And with freedom comes uncertainty. With freedom, comes the possibility of failure. Which can be terrifying.

For all those terrified in the face of the unknown, horoscopes, Tarot Cards, palm reading and the like are something to hold on to, something that gives them a sense of control and agency over their lives, something that makes them feel a little less at sea.

In the end, though, those who put their trust in divination only end up more at sea, having entrusted themselves to powers that don’t love them and that don’t have their best interests at heart. The direction given through divination is always misdirection. Even if it doesn’t seem that way at first. It’s direction meant to lead the one who receives it away from God and away from His loving plan for them.

The stars don’t know our future. Neither do demons. But they know what they want our future to be: damnation. And if we give them power over us—which is what we are doing when we seek out information about the past, present, or future through any form of divination—they will use that power to destroy us. Not usually all at once. Not in ways that are immediately perceptible. But they will do it.

That is, they will do it unless we repent, go to Confession, and ask for God’s help and mercy. God will always grant us that mercy. He wants to grant us mercy. But we need to ask for it. And we also need to ask for the grace to trust Him and be at peace in the not knowing. Because in the end, we either need to make peace with not knowing and not being in control, or lose peace for all eternity. Those are the only two options.

What are your thoughts on open versus closed adoptions?

For those not familiar with these terms, closed adoptions are adoptions where no relationship or contact exists between the adoptive parents, adopted child, and the birth parents. The adoptive parents and child also usually have no information about the birthparents—no names, no addresses, no detailed understanding of why the child was placed. There might be some general knowledge—the mother was young, she was alone, etc.—but that knowledge rarely comes directly from the birth mother (usually it comes from the agency), so even the accuracy of the information isn’t clear. Likewise, in a closed adoption, the birthmother does not usually know who adopted her child or where her child is now.  

Open adoptions on the other hand can mean a whole range of things. The adoptive family and birth family might have a close relationship, with regular visits and phone calls. The adoptive family might have met the birth family, know their story, and have an arrangement to send regular updates—letters and pictures—but no personal contact beyond that. Or the adoptive family might have met the birth family and know their story, but the birth mother has asked for no contact or further updates.

At its most basic, open adoption means the child knows where he or she came from. They know at least some of their story. And the birth mother likewise knows where her child is. She knows who is raising him. Usually, she has chosen them to raise him.

Throughout much of the twentieth century, closed adoptions were the norm when it came to infant adoptions. Nobody knew where anybody was or came from, and they were encouraged to keep it that way. Adoptive couples were, in fact, told it was harmful for a child to have any knowledge of or relationship with their birth parents. Many were also encouraged to lie to their children and never tell them they were adopted.

This is not how adoption is generally practiced now. About 95 percent of infant adoptions that take place in America today have some degree of openness. Some have more, some have less, and many are in a state of flux, with more or less openness happening over time, due to changing circumstances or desires.

As for what I think…I think every adoption is different and you can’t make a blanket statement that applies equally to all of them. But, in general, I think some degree of openness is not only best for the child, but also a basic human right. At minimum, everyone has a right to know where they come from. Everyone has a right to know their story. And to deprive a child of that right with a fully closed adoption—or, even worse, to lie to a child about who they are—strikes me as an offense against human dignity.

The same can be said of birthparents. Yes, there are cases where a child’s location needs to be hidden from the biological family, especially in some foster cases. But most birth parents are courageous and loving and make an adoption plan for their child because they believe it’s best for the child. They may be relinquishing their legal rights to the child, but to deprive them of any knowledge of their child—of how the child is doing and who they’re becoming—without just cause, is itself unjust. And also unkind. Placing a child for adoption leaves a wound in the heart of birth parents. Most grieve the loss of their child their whole life. To willfully deny them any form of relationship or even knowledge of their child (without a serious reason) is merciless.

I absolutely know there are circumstances where it’s not best for the child to have a personal relationship with their birth parents. Sometimes, it’s not safe or healthy. At least for a season. But if possible, I think it’s important for adoptive parents to support and facilitate some kind relationship with the birth family, even if it’s just the exchange of letters and pictures. Open adoption is not co-parenting. It’s not giving someone else authority over your child. And it doesn’t make you any less mom or dad. I know a lot of adult adoptees who have close relationships with their birth parents, but not a one of them thinks of their birth parents as “Mom” or “Dad.” Mom and Dad are the people who raised them—who rocked them to sleep and nursed them when they were sick and taught them how to ride a bike. Open adoption is simply acknowledging reality—that your child was born to someone else—and that they have a right, as much as it is possible, to know that someone else (or, at minimum, to know about that someone else.)

All that being said, I do think that the growing trend of adoptive parents signing binding contact agreements with birth parents is a problem. When you adopt a child, you become their parent—totally and completely. And you should not sign away your rights to make decisions about what is best for your child. It’s always the best interests of the child that must come first, not the adults. Most of the time, that means some kind of relationship with the birth family. And most of the time, any informal commitments about contact and updates can and should be honored. But not always. Drugs, addiction, violence, instability, and even the changing emotional needs of the child can create situations where the adoptive parents need to put up stronger boundaries or change the nature of their interactions with birth parents. And they need to be legally free to do that. Because again, the adoptive parents are the parents. Chris and I are not raising someone else’s children. We’re raising our children. We are responsible for them—physically, morally and legally. And part of that responsibility means making the hard calls about when a relationship with their birth parents is good, safe, and healthy, and when it’s not.

So, those are my thoughts. Yes to open adoption whenever possible. Yes to flexibility. Yes to recognizing that relationships can change and evolve and that how your relationship with birth parents looks today may not be how it looks next year. Yes to integrity, to being honest with your children, and striving to honor your commitments to the birth families. But no to signing any agreement that interferes with your ability to make the best decision for your children.

How should I respond to friends and family on both sides of the aisle who make an idol out of politics and politicians?

Don’t. Don’t respond. Don’t engage. Don’t fight. Don’t try to enlighten them or change their minds or convince them that they’re wrong. When you are with them, just smile and change the subject at the earliest possible moment. Talk about football. Or Taylor Swift. Or Grandma’s secret pumpkin pie recipe. You could also play a game. Or watch an old movie. Or go for a walk and be super judgy together about other people’s Christmas decorations. The options for non-political conversations and activities are almost endless, so take your pick and let politics go. If they want to be the world’s biggest cheerleader for Trump or Harris or some other person who is narcissistic and crazy enough to run for high political office, let them. But don’t waste your time trying to change their minds or fighting with them about it. You can’t change anyone’s mind, especially about their idols. Only God can do that. And fighting is not worth it. It’s just not.

We recorded an upcoming episode of Visitation Sessions a couple days ago. It will drop next Tuesday and is all about feasting. But at the very end, we talked a bit about the importance of the people at the feast—friends, family, neighbors. And I had a breakdown at that point. Like crying, sobbing breakdown. I may have called Trump and Harris some choice names in the midst of that sobbing. I don’t know if we will leave in that part or not. But the reason I was so upset is because it just breaks my heart to see families fractured because of politics. Kids not talking to parents, brothers not talking to brothers, best friends unfriending each other on social media—it’s all so stupid and pointless. And someday, everyone is going to regret it.

In my twenties, I missed a lot of holidays with my family. I felt judged and misunderstood and didn’t want to deal with that judgement and misunderstanding. So I stayed with my friends, who I thought didn’t judge me or misunderstand me. Now my dad is dead, my mom doesn’t remember how to dress herself, and I would give my right arm to have those holidays back.

Politicians come and go. Elections are won and lost all the time. People cling to stupid beliefs every single day. But we only get so much time on this earth with the people we love, and losing time with those people (or spending it trying to make people see politics the way we do) is 100 percent not worth it. Harris and Trump are especially not worth it. I mean, maybe George Washington was worth it? But probably not even him.

So, again, don’t waste your breath trying to make someone love their Democrat or Republican idol less. You can try to draw them back into reality by talking about things outside politics and doing stuff together that has nothing to do with politics. But if that doesn’t work, just offer up your frustration for the conversion of souls, let them be wrong, and love them anyways … which is probably what more people than we realize do for us all the time.

How do you sort through all the different opinions about parenting and determine what is best to do?

It’s hard. It’s really, truly hard. Especially in this age of social media, where everyone has an opinion and everyone is certain their way is the only way. I struggled a lot with this in the first few years of parenting. Having so many babies so close together and having the added layer of complication that adoption brings made me an absolute wreck at times.

But the more time that passes and the more I get to know who my children are—really know them—the easier it has become to tune out all the noise and make the best decisions I can in the moment. Which is really the best any of us can do. It’s all a bit of a crapshoot. There is no one right way to raise every child. Nor is there any one parenting method guaranteed to produce healthy, holy, happy adults. There’s just not. Anyone who says otherwise is selling you something … or doesn’t have children.

Honestly, if anything helps me make good parenting decisions, it’s knowing that. It’s knowing that I can do everything right—say the right things, cook the right things, discipline in all the right way—and still none of that will result in perfect kids who never struggle. My kids are never going to be perfect. No one is. My kids are also never going to live a life free of suffering. No such thing exists.

My children and their lives are not things for me to control. My children are gifts for me to love and their lives are something for which I’m called to help prepare them … and walk through with them for as long as I can. But there will be no perfection. Not for them. Not for me. Just as they will mess up, so will I. I will make bad decisions. I will lose my temper. I will not stay perfectly emotionally regulated 100 percent of the time like some kind of Mom-bot.

But that’s okay. It’s not a bug in the system. It’s a feature. It’s a feature of life in a fallen, but redeemed world, and it can teach me humility and them compassion … just as their mistakes can teach them humility and me compassion. Learning to say “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you,” is the only way anyone can stay sane in this world. Accepting this and leaning into it will get you further that any Instagram parenting account.

Once you do this and let go of the idea of perfection (perfect parenting or perfect kids), I think it becomes a lot easier to just use the common sense God gave you and make the best decisions you can—decisions that take your individual child and individual circumstances into account, that prioritize love and forgiveness, and that, as much as possible, are rooted in the Gospel and the example of parenting God gives us in salvation history.

You will go wrong. I will go wrong. We all do. Thanks to Adam and Eve, there is no changing that. Really, all any of us can do it love our children as best we can—encouraging them, disciplining them, challenging them, affirming them, hugging them, kissing them, praying for them, telling them how very much we love them and how proud we are of them, apologizing to them when we mess up, and hoping through it all that someday they will be mature enough to forgive us for our failures and love us anyways, just as we do them.

Five Fast Things

1. I know I have said this 100 times already in this newsletter, but it bears repeating. No one—and I mean no one—is doing a better job of covering the news of the Church than

   The Pillar
   . They are the only truly independent Catholic news organization around. Nobody owns them. And it shows in the kind of reporting they do. Much of their reporting would never see the light of day in other Catholic news organizations, where the interests of those organizations’ owners (religious orders, publishing houses, television networks) often take precedence over covering tough topics and stories. Having worked in Catholic publishing for 20 years, I say this not as speculation, but based on my own experience.
   The Pillar
   is a model for how Catholic journalism should be done. Their work is important. And they could really use your support right now.

2. If you’ve purchased books from me already, thank you! All the orders placed before this week are in the mail, and every order placed before today, will be in the mail by tomorrow, ensuring delivery before St. Nicholas Day. If you haven’t yet got around to placing an order with me, don’t worry, there is still time! You still have all next week and the week after to get your orders in to ensure delivery before Christmas. I confess, however, that I would prefer it if you could get those orders in sooner rather than later, just so I am not slammed with a lot of orders the last few days. Little kids have a way of being unpredictable and throwing schedules off, so the more time I have to pack and ship orders, the better!

3. Speaking of orders, Beautycounter’s Black Friday Sale is still going strong, with 25 percent off site wide, free shipping on $50+ orders, and free gifts with purchases. You have just two weeks left before Beautycounter shuts down operations again—the site will go dark on December 2—and we don’t yet know when in 2025 it will reopen, so don’t wait to place your order or get gifts for those you love. I am here to answer any questions you might have, so feel free to reach out at anytime.

4. I’m continuing to enjoy Helen Roy’s assessment of the far, far, right, trad wife movement. Her latest piece is just fantastic.

5. The married people talked way too much in the latest Visitation Sessions episode about dating and the single life, but we promise to have special guest Clare Slattery back on soon to share more stories and other tidbits of hard-earned wisdom. And we’ll try hard to shut up and listen next time.

In Case You Missed It

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