Family Size, Soul Ties, and Fatherhood

Weekly Notes

Friends, if you are reading these words, I want to thank you for still being here. Because after I published my Q&A on IVF last week, a whole bunch of people no longer are. I lost more subscribers over that piece than anything else I’ve written here. I don’t regret writing it, though. I did the very best job I could to present those teachings with charity and compassion, plus I’ve heard from many of you how helpful it was. Several of you even told me you have now decided to not go ahead with IVF, and hearing that makes all the less than kind notes I’ve received more than worth it. Still, I wanted to bring this up for two reasons.

First, as a disclaimer. I follow (and even pay for) Substacks whose authors have opinions that I don’t share. I like hearing from people who have different viewpoints from me, and I hope you do too. No matter what theological, political, or social issues we might disagree on, I’m glad you’re here. But also, please don’t expect me to be anything other than what I am: a faithful Catholic, who doesn’t just follow the teachings of the Church, but also agrees with them. All of them. Even the unpopular ones. If you expect something different from me, I fear you will be disappointed.

The second reason I’m telling you this is because if you’re not a full subscriber, I’d like to invite you to upgrade your subscription. When I answer your questions on the tough topics—like IVF, abortion, yoga, and drag queens—I lose subscribers. I lose followers. I lose Beautycounter clients. Which means my family loses income on which it depends. The temptation, of course, is to avoid answering these questions. But I do answer them. I answer them because Chris and I believe it’s what God is asking me to do. And I answer them because I think we need Catholic women who aren’t academics, writing for popular audiences about these topics (and about the Faith in general). For some, it’s not always helpful to hear these teachings from a man (especially a celibate man). Some need to hear them from someone who they feel understands their struggles from the inside. I hope, in a small way, I’m meeting that need. If you think I am, and you are benefiting from what I’m doing here, I would greatly appreciate it if you considered becoming a full subscriber for just $6 a month. Now, I’ll drop that little button in and get on to your questions.

Question Box

Can Catholics ever morally say they are done having kids?

Can some Catholics say that? Absolutely. Catholics who are well past childbearing age can definitely say, with no moral qualms or qualifiers, that they are done having kids. Everyone else, including couples who experience some form of infertility or who are just a bit past normal childbearing age (like Chris and me), probably need to add two little words to that sentence: “We think.”

“We think we’re done having kids” is a very different statement from “We’re done having kids.” When we say “We think we’re done,” we’re both expressing that we’ve discerned that it’s best for our family to not get pregnant (or adopt) again, while also acknowledging the possibility that our discernment might be wrong. We’re recognizing that our discernment could change or that God’s plans for our family might look different from our plans, and that He might surprise us by asking us to welcome another child—through pregnancy or adoption—at some later point. We’re also acknowledging that we’re leaving room for God to surprise us—that we’re not mutilating our bodies or manipulating our hormones or taking some other course of action that would make it impossible for us to receive the gift of new life. Lastly, adding “we think” affirms that if God does surprise us, we will welcome the child, trusting that God’s plans are always better than ours.

And it really is okay for a couple to say, “We think we’re done having kids.” Despite what some people on the Internet say, the Catholic Church does not teach that every couple must have as many babies as they possibly can. Rather, she teaches that couples are to make “deliberate and generous decision[s]” about the size of our families (Humanae Vitae, 10). This means we can deliberately and generously decide to welcome babies as they come, or we can deliberately and generously decide to avoid pregnancy, either for “a time or even for an indeterminate period” (Humanae Vitae, 10).

A couple who decides to avoid pregnancy, should have “just,” “serious,” “well-grounded,” and “acceptable” reasons for making that decision (Humanae Vitae, 10, 16). Those reasons should be based upon “medical,” “economic,” or “social” factors, and take into account “both [the couple’s] welfare and the welfare of their children … the material and spiritual conditions of the times, as well as their state in life … the interests of the family group, of temporal society, and of the Church” (“Letter to Midwives”; Gaudium et Spes, 50).

If that sounds vague, it is. And intentionally so. The Church recognizes that different struggles impact different people differently in different seasons. She also recognizes that God gives different couples different graces and calls them to different paths. No two couples’ circumstances, capabilities, and calling will be exactly the same, so there can be no one size fits all checklist about when it’s morally acceptable to avoid pregnancy and when it’s not.

So, instead of slavishly adhering to a checklist, the Church asks us to go before God with our spouse and prayerfully and prudently discern what He is asking of us regarding welcoming another child into our family. That’s not a decision we have to make anew every month, but it is a decision we have the opportunity to reaffirm or revisit every month. This is one of the gifts of following Church teaching and not artificially manipulating our fertility with surgery, pills, or devices. It gives us the freedom to not make permanent decisions about our family size in the face of temporary problems and invites us to remain in conversation with God about His will for our family.

Regarding this discernment process, the Church stresses that “the parents themselves and no one else should ultimately make this decision in the sight of God,” (Gaudium et Spes, 50). Couples can absolutely consult with trusted advisors as part of their discernment, but ultimately, it’s up to the husband and wife alone to prayerfully decide if their reasons for avoiding pregnancy are just, serious, well-grounded, and acceptable. This is a profoundly intimate decision, which has to be discerned by the people on the inside of a marriage, not by those on the outside.

This isn’t to say that every couple will discern well. Some might not. It’s also not to say that every couple will discern rightly, even if they try their best. None of us are infallible, and discernment isn’t a math problem; answers aren’t always clear. But God knows this. He knows we’re not Divine Mind readers, and just asks us to do our best—rooting ourselves in the teachings of the Church, recognizing that children are a blessing, and seeking His will in all things. If we do that and leave room for Him to move, He will take care of the rest.

None of this, of course, is easy. “We think” may just be two little words, but they are two little words that require a tremendous amount of trust to say. They are hard to say when we think we are done having children, and they are hard to say when we’re still hoping for more children. They’re hard to say for the fertile, and they’re hard to say for the infertile. They’re hard to say regarding pregnancy, and they’re hard to say regarding adoption.

Saying those two little words also requires a tremendous amount of humility. They require us recognizing that we might not know best and we definitely aren’t in control. Which is a scary thing for many of us. We like our plans. But God’s plans are the best ones, and that’s why it’s so important that we learn to tack those two little words on to any statement we make about family size. Because the more we leave room for God to move—in every area of our lives, nor just our fertility—the more we can come to see just how good His plans are.

What is a Soul Tie?

The first time I heard this term, I thought, “It’s a plot point in Harry Potter … duh!” Which it is. But it’s also a new term, used in contemporary deliverance ministry (both Catholic and Evangelical), to describe the deep bond that can form between two people when they make some kind of alliance (most often sexual). Whether the bond is a good thing depends upon the kind of alliance that formed it: holy alliances produce good bonds; unholy alliances produce bad bonds.

Frankly, I think the term is goofy and sounds a little New Agey. It also needs some refining. But it does attempt to suss out a phenomenon that Saint Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 16:6-7. There, he writes:

Do you not know that he who joins himself to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, ‘The two shall become one flesh.’ But he who is united to the Lord becomes one spirit with him.

One of the problems of our age is that we don’t take the body seriously enough. We tend to think it’s just a piece of matter that can be molded, manipulated, or used in whatever ways we like. That’s why that fake (really fake) C.S. Lewis quote—“You don’t have a soul; you are a soul. You have a body,”—keeps popping up, year after year, in meme form. We tend to think of our bodies as objects, to which we ascribe meaning. The culture tells us bodies are just things, and we get to do with them whatever we like.

But that’s not how God sees our bodies. God sees our bodies for what they really are: us. The Church holds that the body expresses the person. It makes visible the invisible truth of who we are, revealing our soul to the world. In the Divine Plan, the body is not a nice extra; it is essential to who we are. Your body is you. My body is me. As human beings, we are a union of body and soul. The two go together. They go together now, and someday, they will go together for all eternity. The body you have today will be your body in Heaven. It will be resurrected, transfigured, glorified, changed in ways we can only begin to imagine and can barely begin to explain, but it will still be your body, the very body which you are using right now, this very second, to read these words.

Because of this enduring union, what we do with and in our bodies matters. When we do good things with our bodies—when we use them to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and comfort those who mourn—that forms our souls; virtue grows. And when we do bad things with our bodies—when we use them to kill, to rob, or to maim—that deforms our souls; vice grows.

The concept of Soul Ties takes that fundamental principle one step further. It recognizes that when we do something virtuous or vicious in partnership with someone else, it’s not just our own soul that is affected, but also the relationship between us. So, whenever we engage in a virtuous act in partnership with someone, one kind of bond or connection is formed—a healthy one. And whenever we engage in a vicious act in partnership with someone, another kind of bond or connection is formed—an unhealthy one. Over time, the bonds forged by virtue can be helps to holiness, while bonds forged by sin are stumbling blocks to holiness.

While this is true of all that we do in our bodies, it is especially true of sex. When you sleep with someone to whom you are not married, that affects your soul. It affects both your souls. You’ve done the literal marital act together, and that changes both of you. It hurts both of you, even if you don’t realize it. It hurts you individually, and it hurts your relationship. Your mutual sin becomes, as St. Paul suggests, a kind of bond or connection between you. And that connection, unbroken or unredeemed by grace, can keep pulling you down, away from God, away from the light.

The opposite is also true, though. When a husband and wife give themselves to each other, that changes both of them, too. A holy bond is formed, a bond that can strengthen them and their marriage and be an actual means of grace, reaching into their hearts and home and sanctifying the world around them. In marriage, a healthy, joyful, loving sex life, in partnership with a healthy, joyful, loving friendship, can pull you up, towards God, towards the light.

Which brings us back to Soul Ties. Again, the terms is weird. I don’t particularly like it. It’s also more speculative theology than anything else. Much still needs to be sussed out about it, and I am not the person to do that. But I think it’s safe to say that if you are struggling to move forward in your journey with God, it can be helpful to revisit past relationships and ask yourself if some of the wounds they’ve left in you remain unhealed. Do unholy ties to sin still exist in your heart in some way? Have you asked God to heal those wounds and break or redeem those ties? Have you fully renounced the sins and relationships that led you away from God or do you still hold on to them in some way, such as taking pleasure from memories of shared sin? These are questions we all need to ask ourselves if we want to progress in holiness, for love of God and love of sin can’t ultimately share space in our hearts. There’s not room for both.

If you’ve asked those questions and realize that there is someone—or many someones—with whom you have an unhealthy connection in your heart, the next step is breaking them (or, when possible, redeeming them). Some people advise praying formal prayers of renouncement. You certainly can do that. Others recommend having a priest pray them for or with you. You certainly can do that too. But you also can just go before God in prayer and ask in the simplest way possible for Him to root out any attachment to sin you have in your heart and to break or redeem any unholy attachments between you and your partners in sin.

However, you go about it, just remember that this rooting, breaking, or redeeming might not happen immediately. It could take years of praying and receiving the graces of the sacraments to break the hold an unhealthy past relationship has on you. Grace is not a fast-acting formula. But it is a guaranteed formula. With time and prayer and a heart that is sincerely seeking the Lord, grace will do its thing, and no unholy relationship from your past will have hold of you.

If you want to read more about the Church’s teachings on the meaning of the body, you could read JSaint ohn Paul II’s Theology of the Body … or you could read my book, These Beautiful Bones, which explains and applies those teachings to our everyday life.  If you want to read more about the resurrection of the body, I recommend Athanasius’ On the Incarnation and the book I co-wrote with Scott Hahn Hope to Die.

Can you recommend any resources to help me strengthen my relationship with God, the Father?

Yes! I highly, highly recommend the latest video series from Wild Goose Ministries and my friend, Father Dave Pivonka: My Father’s Father. I also would recommend listening to the beautiful four-part series on daughterhood that the podcast Abiding Together did a couple years back.  

Miscellany

1. Speaking of IVF, this story about “The Exes Who Froze Embryos and Regret It,” broke my heart. One of the reasons Chris and I chose not to pursue embryo adoption was because I couldn’t bear to give money to the people we would have needed to work with in Pittsburgh to do an embryo transfer. I know there are Christian couples who are striving to do IVF in a more ethical way, but even that requires partnering with an industry that is problematic at its core. It requires feeding the beast. And you can’t keep feeding the beast, without it eventually feeding on you.

2. On a different note, if you’re wondering how the growing grip of Red Pill/Manosphere Bros on young Catholic men came about, Two Become Family have an excellent backgrounder podcast on this phenomenon.

3. Speaking of podcasts, in case you missed it, Chris, Kate, Casey, and I released our fourth episode of Visitation Sessions this past week. This one focuses on the nature of work, the love of money, and why Midwesterners struggle with just taking a danged rest. If you don’t want to miss a one of these, follow us here on Substack or over on Apple podcasts (and if you’re so inclined, please leave us a review on Apple).

4. I deeply, deeply, deeply appreciated this Substack essay, “The Day I Decided to Quit Book Publishing,” by Jen Pollock Michel on the increasing difficulties writers face in the current publishing climate. I don’t like to write too much about writing, so I don’t, but if I did write something about writing, I’d write this. (And writing about writing is generally only interesting to writers, but this essay is more relevant for readers than it is for writers, so it’s worth your time).

5. Beautycounter celebrated its 11^th anniversary this week by offering free shipping to everyone and free perfume to Rewards Members. To get your order to ship for free, just place a $50+ order today or Saturday. To get to sample all five of Beautycounter’s new luxury fragrances for free, place an order of $100+ today or Saturday (and make sure you’re a Rewards Member), and they’ll send you a gorgeous Discovery Set, ASAP. (And P.S. Don’t wait to stock up on the only sunscreen I’ll use on my fairer than fair skin. It’s getting a packaging upgrade, but that won’t release until later this spring. Meanwhile, all existing stock is selling out.)

In Case You Missed It

Signs of Contradiction: On Trad Wives, Keyboard Warriors, and Saving the World While Losing Your Soul (Full Subscribers Only)

The Sources of Our Discontent: On Happiness, Feminism, and Grandmothers (Full Subscribers Only)

Yoga, Redeeming Satan, and the Desire to Be Desired: Weekly Notes (Free for All Subcribers)