What Destroys Love? When Can I Use NFP? And How Much Money Should I Give to the Church?

Weekly Notes

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Deus Caritas, Week 2

Read: Sections 5-8

Reflection

“Love is indeed ‘ecstasy,’ not in the sense of a moment of intoxication, but rather as a journey, an ongoing exodus out of the closed inward-looking self towards its liberation through self-giving, and thus towards authentic self-discovery and indeed the discovery of God…” Pope Benedict XVI (6).

God is love. And when we love, we image Him. We also draw close to Him. Love, especially the love between man and woman, can give us a foretaste of the Beatific Vision, of being caught up in perfect love forever. But love also can become an idol, that drags us down rather than lifts us up. That happens, Pope Benedict says, when we refuse to love as God made us to love and when we refuse to love as God loves.

Let’s start with the first refusal.

God made man as a union of body and soul. And true human love requires both dimensions. Love isn’t love when only the body is given. The whole self must be given. When we don’t seek to know and be known, when we hold some part of ourselves back, when we give ourselves only temporarily or with reservations—we’re using, not loving. We’re treating a person like an object, making them into a thing that exists for our sake, to satisfy our needs or desires.

This doesn’t just happen with pornography or prostitution. This happens whenever we put our desires before another’s eternal good. It happens whenever we violate God’s plan for love and marriage, which is not a random plan or the posturing of a controlling, power hungry God, but the loving plan of an all-knowing Father, perfectly suited to us and ordered towards our everlasting happiness.

That’s the first way love can become an idol. It also can happen when we refuse to love as God loves.

The Trinity is an eternal communion of love. With no beginning and no end, love is poured out and received within the Godhead. God does this forever and always, existing as an infinite exchange of love. Mysteriously, miraculously, inexplicably, He invites us into that exchange. He invites us to love and be loved by Him. He also invites us to love and be loved by others.

Again, though, we must do both. If we only receive love and never give it, selfishness will poison the love we receive. And if we only give love and never receive it, bitterness will poison the love we give.

Eros and agape, ascending and descending, receiving and giving—these different dimensions of love can’t be separated from one another without diminishing love … or without diminishing us.

Reflection Questions

1. Have you in the past (or are you now) giving your body in a relationship without also giving your whole self? Have you or are you holding some part of yourself back in a relationship? What was or is the reason for that? If that happened in the past, what were the consequences of that withholding? If it’s happening now, what do you fear will happen if you reorder your relationship to abide by God’s plan? What do you fear could happen if you don’t reorder your relationship?

2. Do you trust that God’s plan for human love is truly loving? Do you struggle to believe in its goodness? Why or why not?

3. Do you tend to give love when you’re not receiving it or take love when you’re not giving it? Why do you think that is? Can you think of a time when you did the former? What about the latter? How did that affect those relationships? What, if anything, corrected the imbalance?

Next Week’s Reading: Sections 9-11

Question Box

My husband and I have three children and are expecting another one. We’ll have four under age four. Is it okay to use a Natural Family Planning method?

It is always okay, for everyone, everywhere, to use a Natural Family Planning method. Natural Family Planning methods are not birth control. They are a way of monitoring signs of fertility using one of several scientifically accurate methods: Billings, Creighton, Marquette, etc. These methods are a tool that can be used to achieve pregnancy or avoid pregnancy by helping you time marital intimacy around fertile or infertile periods in your cycle. They also can help you gain a deeper understanding of your body and your health, clueing you into problems or changes as they emerge. As a tool, these methods are morally neutral. They can be used accurately or inaccurately. They can be used prayerfully or thoughtlessly. They can be used generously or selfishly. But all that’s on the user. As a tool, NFP is none of those things. It just is. And you absolutely can use it.

But can you use it to avoid pregnancy? That, I think, is what you’re really asking. And the answer is: that’s between you, your husband, and God. The Church says couples can use Natural Family Planning to avoid pregnancy when they have “just” or “well-grounded” reasons to do so. She doesn’t define what those reasons are. She simply states:

If therefore there are well-grounded reasons for spacing births, arising from the physical or psychological condition of husband or wife, or from external circumstances, the Church teaches that married people may then take advantage of the natural cycles immanent in the reproductive system and engage in marital intercourse only during those times that are infertile (16).

Having four little ones in four years can absolutely qualify as a well-grounded reason to hold off on conceiving for a month, a year, or more. Not just because having that many little ones is so all consuming, but also because that many pregnancies that close together can take a serious toll on your body. Giving yourself time to heal and recover is absolutely fine. The Church does not ask you to wreck your health by having as many babies as you possibly can in as short amount of time as possible.

That being said, someone else who has had four children in four years might discern differently than you and be open to conceiving again whenever it happens. Different people in circumstances that appear similar from the outside can discern different calls. We’re not robots; we’re humans, with different bodies and different souls and different lives. Whether or not someone feels capable of having three babies in three years or four babies in four years or five babies in five years is dependent on their mental and physical health, finances, marriage, work situation, support system, capacity for chaos, and a hundred other things. This is one reason why the Church doesn’t list reasons that “qualify” you for avoiding pregnancy. There are too many possible reasons to list. There are too many variables. Only you and your husband, through conversation and prayer, can accurately assess your situation. No one else can do that for you. Not me. Not your pastor. And certainly not some stranger on the Internet.

It's also important to remember that discerning to avoid pregnancy now is not discerning to avoid pregnancy forever. Deciding to use a fertility awareness method to avoid pregnancy is not a once and done decision. Your family size is something you have to discern monthly, with your spouse and God. As your circumstances and feelings change, what seems impossible one month, may seem possible another month.

There is a lot of misinformation and confusion about the Church’s teachings on Natural Family Planning floating around the Internet, so if you want to understand more I recommend reading Pope Paul VI’s encyclical Humanae Vitae and the accompanying study guide I wrote for Endow. Dr. Janet Smith’s book Why Humanae Vitae is Still Right is also an excellent book that takes a deeper dive into the Church’s teachings on contraception. And Simcha Fisher’s book The Sinners Guide to Natural Family Planning can be a good friend to have near you when using NFP to avoid pregnancy starts to feel super duper hard (which it will).

Should my fiancée and I undergo genetic testing before marriage to discern if we should have children? We have no family history.

I understand a little bit what it’s like to have no family medical history. For all our children, the medical history we have is vague and incomplete. There are a lot of unknowns, and it is often frustrating to fill out medical charts for them. I just can’t give the answers doctors want me to give. So, for you personally, I can see where it would be good to have some of those answers. The Church has no problem with genetic testing in and of itself, and if it helps you to feel like you have a better handle on your health, that could be beneficial.

But using that information to discern if you should have children is a different thing. Genetic testing is not a crystal ball. It’s almost never going to tell you with 100 percent certainty that your child will have a particular disease or condition. It can tell you there is a likelihood, even a high likelihood, but that’s all. Which leaves you making huge decisions about your life and your fertility based on probabilities and guesses. It forces you to play God, deciding which conditions or what probability of those conditions render a life not worth living.

I think that maybe the bigger question for you to think through and pray over is what is your real desire with genetic testing? To avoid having a child who is less than perfect? To spare yourself or your child pain and suffering? Or maybe you’re afraid—afraid you won’t be able to mother a child who has special needs or love a child who is different. Maybe you’re struggling with a life that feels out of control and are trying to control it any way you can. Maybe the possibility of having kids raises a whole host of issues about your own childhood or your parents and you’re looking for excuses to not have to deal with those issues.

I don’t know you, so I have no idea which, if any, of those guesses is accurate. But I do know those reasons are why many people seek out the kind of genetic testing you’re talking about and also why they avoid having children when the results indicate possible problems. And those reasons are problematic.

First, no amount of genetic testing can tell you all the things that might go wrong with a pregnancy or with a child after birth. Things just happen, in pregnancy and life, and there is no predicting them or controlling them. Likewise, no matter how perfect test results might be, you’re not going to have a perfect child. Only one woman in all of history has gotten that, and she still lost Him in the worst and most painful of ways. There’s also no avoiding pain and suffering. Not for you. Not for your children. Suffering is part of motherhood, and it’s part of life. We all get sick. We all get hurt. And we all die. We don’t know the particulars of all that at the beginning. But we can know with 100 percent certainty that it will happen.

So much of parenthood is letting go of control. Or realizing how little control we have to begin with. Most of it is just an illusion. Our children are not ours. They are God’s. And they are their own people. They will have their own opinions, endure their own struggles, make their own bad choices, and hurt us and themselves as they stumble and fall towards maturity. But while life may be hard, loving our children is not hard. No matter what, you always love your baby. Graces are given, and what seems impossible before becoming a mother, somehow becomes possible afterwards. Don’t let your own fears or struggles fool you into thinking you can’t love or welcome whatever child God entrusts to you. You absolutely can. It’s not always easy. But it will be the best thing you ever do

So, yes, get genetic testing if it helps you know more about you. But don’t let it be an excuse to avoid wrestling with the deeper issues that might motivate you to seek it or to avoid having children because of it.

How much should a person give to the Church? Should they give 10 percent or a set amount?

When I worshipped in Protestant churches, I was part of a community that believed in strictly giving 10 percent—the Biblical tithe. When I returned to the Catholic Church and started learning more about the Faith, it surprised me that she took a slightly different position.

As the Church understands it, the requirement to give exactly 10 percent to God was part of the Mosaic law and is no longer binding on Christians in the New Covenant. We still, however, are bound by the New Covenant requirement to give generously according to our means (1 Corinthians 16:2).

That’s how the Church treats tithing. As laid out in Canon 222 of the 1983 Code of Canon Law, Catholics aren’t asked to give 10 percent of our income to the Church. Rather, we’re asked to give generously, with each of us discerning what generously means given our own circumstances. For the very rich, that might mean much more than 10 percent. For the very poor, it might mean much less. The number is between each person and God. It’s not about a set amount or a set percentage; it’s about a disposition of the heart.

That being said, I have always been told by people much wiser and holier than me that the Biblical number of ten percent is still a good amount for the average person to give.  It costs something for most of us to give 10 percent of our income away. It’s a sacrifice. But it’s also not impossible for many of us. And I have found that to be true.

Tithing 10 percent is something both Chris and I strove to do as graduate students living on virtually no income and as single people living below the poverty line. It’s also what we strive to do now, as a married couple with three little children. It definitely requires planning, intention, and sacrifice, especially when you have an income as variable as mine. It also requires a change in mindset. So many of us are accustomed to thinking that tithing is what we do with our extra income. But tithing is supposed to be a gift of our first fruits. It has to come before the extras. We have to see it as a strict obligation in justice to the God who has given us all we have. Not as a nice thing we do if we can.

Tithing also takes a tremendous amount of trust. My nature is to want to control everything. And tithing is a sacrifice of control. It’s saying, “God, you have given this money to us, and I am going to give it right back to you, trusting that if something comes up where we need what we have given away, you will provide for us.”

And you know what? He always has. In fact the more Chris and I give away, the more He provides. Some months have been cliff hangers. But our experience has been that when we are generous, He is too. He provides. Not always like we want Him to provide or how we expect Him to provide, but He absolutely provides.

If you have not been tithing and want to work your way towards giving 10 percent, start by figuring out what amount you give annually and what percentage of your income those gifts comprise. Then, aim to give one or two percent more this year. Then next year, raise the goal a little higher, and keep doing that until you are up to 10 percent. It may seem impossible now, but it also might be a much easier and faster goal to accomplish than you realize. Not only because God has a way of making it that way, but also because giving away money is fun. It increases your appreciation for all that God has blessed you with, and it becomes a joy to bless others in the same way.

As for how to divide up your tithe, that’s another question for discernment. Chris and I give about one-third of our tithe to our parish; another third to our diocese, Catholic religious orders, and Catholic schools/universities; and the last third to lay apostolates and personal gifts. It really is up to you how you apportion it. The key is prayerful, intentional discernment. And, as I said, a willingness to trust God with everything, including your finances. Which can be the hardest part of all.

News & Notes

My new children’s book with Scott Hahn, Mary, Mother of All, launches in five days and is available for pre-order now. Reserve your copy today.

Another wonderful resource for families comes out next week from Ignatius Press. The Catholic Home Gallery, edited by John Herreid, profiles 18 contemporary Catholic artists who are carrying on the Church’s great tradition of sacred art. It also includes a print from each artist that you can tear out and frame in your home. I was blessed to write the forward for this beautiful book and am so excited it’s finally here.

CLEANFORALL30 is back! If you’ve been thinking about making the switch to skincare and makeup products that are free of carcinogens and endocrine disruptors, Beautycounter will help you do that, by giving you 30 percent off your first order. Feel free to message me on Instagram to email me at emchapman415@gmail.com for help picking the best products or shades for you.

Current Read: Portraits of Spiritual Nobility: Chivalry, Christendom, and Catholic Culture by one of the Church’s greatest living theologians, Tracey Rowland. This arrived at our house a couple weeks ago, and my husband got to it before I could. I’m now just getting started, but like everything Rowland writes, it’s so darned good.

One of the podcast conversations that has helped me immensely in motherhood is this one between Sally Clarkson and her daughter Sarah. It’s an old one, from September 2021, but when I first heard it, it gave me so much encouragement to get out of the house and do the things with my children that I loved, not necessarily the things that other moms love or say to do. I think back to it often, especially during long winter weeks like this one, where finding the joy in motherhood requires a bit more work. If you too need help finding that joy, give it a listen.

Recipe the Week

Fish Stew: A Fast Friday Favorite

Serves: 4, Prep Time: 10 Minutes, Cook Time: 20 Minutes

• 4 cod fillets (we get the frozen ones from Aldi)

• Whole peeled tomatoes, 2 14.5 ounce cans

• 1 pound fingerling or bite sized potatoes, sliced into .25 inch rounds

• 6 anchovy fillets, minced (you don’t taste them, they just add umami flavor)

• 1 sweet onion, chopped

• 4 cloves garlic, minced

• 3 Tablespoons capers

• .5 teaspoon crushed red pepper

• .5 cup white wine

• 1 cup finely shredded parmesan

• Salt and pepper to taste

• Olive Oil

1. Fill a medium sized pot with salted water and bring to a boil.

2. While the water heats, prep the vegetables: slice the potatoes, chop the onion, mince the garlic. Then, place the tomatoes and their juices in a bowl, and break up the tomatoes into smaller pieces. Pat dry the cod with paper towels, and then cut up each fillet into 6-8 pieces; season with salt and pepper.

3. Once the water is boiling, add the potatoes and cook until tender (10-15 minutes), then drain.

4. In a separate pot, heat 2 tablespoons of olive oil; add the onion and a bit of salt and pepper; sauté the onion until soft (2-3 minutes); add the garlic and cook for about a minute until fragrant; add the anchovies, capers, and crushed red pepper and cook for about a minute;  add the tomatoes, one cup of water, and a bit more salt and pepper. Cook, stirring occasionally, for about 5 minutes.

5. To the pot add the cod and potatoes; cook for five minutes, then add the white wine.

6. Cook for a few minutes more; add parmesan, then adjust seasonings to taste before serving.

7. Note: I usually add a bit of cream to the kids’ bowls, just to tame the spicy a bit for them.

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