Three Things I Know

On Anxiety Attacks and Magnifying Christ

Several months back, when Joan of Arc Ministries asked me to keynote their annual Women’s Conference in the Diocese of Pittsburgh, I didn’t say no. I didn’t say yes, either. But I didn’t say no, which is what I have said to every speaking engagement that has come along since Becket was born in July of 2020.

For four years, saying no to speaking invitations was the easiest no I gave anyone. My primary professional vocation has always been writing, not speaking, and even before kids, the work of prepping a talk and traveling to give a talk, made it hard to get done the writing I needed to get done. After kids, it became impossible. There was no way, with so many little ones, I could travel and speak.

But that no didn’t come quite so quickly with the Joan of Arc Conference. It was nearby, so it wouldn’t require leaving the family or packing up the kids. And maybe,I wondered, with the kids getting bigger, it was time to start easing back into speaking. Chris and I talked it over, and in the end we decided I should do it.

There was only one problem: I had no idea what I should talk about.

I looked over all the old talks I used to give—talks about food and the Eucharist the theology of the body—and they were fine. But they didn’t feel like me anymore. They sounded like they were written by someone else. And, in a sense, they were. The past five years have changed me. They’ve changed most of us. And I knew I couldn’t get up in front of an auditorium full of women and give the same kind of talk I’d once given. It didn’t feel right or honest. It also didn’t seem like it would be helpful to the women sitting in front of me.

But if I couldn’t say the things I used to say, what could I say?

I wrestled over that question for, quite literally, months. As November 9 inched closer and closer, panic started to grow. I would start sketching out a talk, only to end up hitting “Select All,” then “Delete.” Nothing seemed right.

When the week of the conference arrived and I still didn’t know what I was going to talk about, even my husband started panicking. I had joked with a friend the week before that I felt like the most helpful thing I could offer was a suggestion that we dim the lights and take a nap. That’s how bad things were.

During this time, I was begging God for help. Partly because I wanted to avoid the total humiliation of standing in front of hundreds of women with nothing to say. But mostly because I wanted to say the things the women there most needed to hear.

Then, I remembered the literal panic attack I’d had the week before—a panic attack that had me in a state of near collapse on my laundry room floor. And everything finally fell into focus.

The talk ended up coming together beautifully—more beautifully than I could have imagined in the panic-soaked weeks leading up to the conference. I still don’t know quite how I did it, but God showed up in a very big way for me that day, and based on the feedback, did indeed give me exactly the words those women needed to hear.

The talk wasn’t recorded that day, but I decided to go through it again, one more time, after the conference, so that I could share it with you. I don’t know if you need to hear it or not. But I feel like I owe you the chance to hear it. I spent so much time feverishly working on this talk the past couple weeks, that my newsletters have not quite been up to snuff, and those of you who generously support this Substack deserve something substantial for the gift of your hard-earned money. This talk is the most substantial thing I have to give.

 The talk is an hour-long, so treat it like a podcast, and listen while you’re driving kids around, doing dishes, or going for a walk. It won’t be quite as funny as it was at the conference, both because it’s easier to be funny when people are standing in front of you and because I am at my funniest when I am nervous. It’s a weird tick of mine. For the most part, though, it will sound almost exactly as it did last Saturday in Pittsburgh, including my little intro acknowledging the conference, which was integral to the rest of the talk that followed, so couldn’t be cut.

It feels a bit odd sending this off into the Internet void. It was such a deeply personal talk, wrung out of me by God through so, so much prayer. But I’m hoping God, in His way, can make it of some use to you.

Before I post the audio, though, I have a handful of important announcements I don’t want you to miss.

1. My new book is out! At long, long last, my third children’s book with Scott Hahn is out in the world. It’s called Lord, Have Mercy, and is based on Scott’s book of the same name for adults. Scott’s book is a big book filled with big ideas for big people. This is a little book for little people filled with one idea: the greatness of God’s mercy. From first to last, as I retell the story of Adam and Eve’s fall and how the devil repeats the tricks he played on our first parents over and over again in salvation history, the message is always the same: God loves you. He is ready and waiting to forgive you. There is nothing He can’t forgive. But we have to trust Him enough to confess what we’ve done and turn back to Him. The ideal age range for this book is 5-11, but both Becket (4) and Ellie (3) love it and have me reading it on repeat to them (they mostly love seeing Tricia Dougat’s amazing illustrations of the snake … not sure if I should be worrying about this or not). It’s especially well suited for helping children prepare for their First Confession, but, as with my other children’s books, the lyrical rhyming verse makes it fun for kids big and small to read aloud.

2. Lord, Have Mercy is available through the publisher, Amazon, and Barnes & Noble, but if you want signed copies of the book, you can purchase them through my little online “bookshop,” which I have reopened for the holidays. Between now and December 6, you can actually purchase most of my books there. I am signing and packing up books daily in my dining room, where boxes are currently piled high, so all the books will arrive well before Christmas. I know it costs a bit more to shop through me and can take a bit longer (unlike Amazon, I am a one woman operation and can’t offer discounts or free shipping), so I am always so grateful for those of you who take on the extra expense and wait to order directly from me.

3. Beautycounter’s In Between Sale is still going strong. Over the past week, they surprised everyone with a restock of the world’s gentlest, most calming, and most effective cleansing balm/eye makeup remover/overnight winter hydration mask, the Lotus Cleansing Balm. They also launched a new “super serum,” which is chocked full of powerful ingredients that make it fantastic for mature skin, dry skin, acne prone skin, dull skin, and discolored and scarred skin. Mine arrived yesterday. I will report back. I continue to be super grateful for everyone who has taken the time to shop through my affiliate link. It’s been a huge blessing, and thanks to this sale, it is looking like we will make our state-imposed lead abatement deadline after all.

4. For those of you who have asked, yes the glorious, wonderful, amazing and COMPLETE Ignatius Catholic Study Bible is still available for pre-order. This Bible truly is a gift to the Church and there is no other Catholic Bible—at all, anywhere, in any translation or edition—of its like. It is a serious study Bible, filled with footnotes, word studies, background information on every book, and essays by top Biblical scholars. If every Catholic in America had this in their house, no one would ever be able to say Catholics don’t know their Bible. The Bible releases to the public on December 9, and if you pre-order it now, Ignatius is guaranteeing that yours will ship in the very first shipment.

5. How have I continued feeding my family over the past few weeks, as I met one book deadline, launched another book, gave two talks, helped clients with Beautycounter orders, and opened an online book shop? Not well, friends, not well. The snack situation here has gotten so bad, my kids might start throwing apples at me if I suggest they eat another one. Sheet pan meals have helped a lot with dinner, though, and this one from the New York Times has been my most favorite of all. As God is my witness, I will never fry gnocchi on the stove again.

I’ll be back next week with a free for all Q&A, but for those of you who are full subscribers to this newsletter, here is the promised talk. Thank you so much for your support and sticking around this last week. I truly could not be doing any of this without you.