Seeing God for Who He is + Singleness, Chastity, Weddings, and Kissing in the Kitchen

Weekly Notes

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Deus Caritas Est, Week 4

Read: Sections 12-15

Reflection

“By contemplating the pierced side of Christ (cf. 19:37), we can understand the starting-point of this Encyclical Letter: “God is love” (1 Jn 4:8). It is there that this truth can be contemplated. It is from there that our definition of love must begin. In this contemplation the Christian discovers the path along which his life and love must move.” Pope Benedict XVI

Not long ago, someone asked me why I believed the Christian God was really God. In other words, why did I believe in a God who died on a cross and not in any of the other deities humans have worshipped around the globe or across time?

I could have given few dozen answers, I suppose. But I gave the one I think about most often: the cross.

When I look at the cross, I don’t see some moody, changeable demi-god playing games with humans. I don’t see a god of war or a spirit of detachment. I don’t see a nameless force of nature or a mythical divine power.

Rather, on the cross, I see a God with a face and a name. I also see a love that makes sense, that is, in a sense, familiar. I see a God giving everything He has and is so that His beloved little ones can have life. I see a God who loves His children like I love mine.

For I too, would go to the cross for every one of my babes. To ensure their eternal happiness and their place by my side forever, I would endure every insult, wear every thorn, bear every mark of the whip. I would suffer anything to get these children of mine to Heaven. I would suffer for them individually, personally. I would pour out every grace on them. I would extend every mercy to them. I would feed them with my own body if that’s what it took to give them life.

So how could the God who made me do anything less?

We talked about this last week, but it bears repeating. Creatures can’t dream better dreams than their Creator. I can’t love more than the God who made me loves. And when I look at all the gods worshipped by men, the only God I see whose love is like the love I have for my children is the God who hung on a cross. Jesus is the only one who does what a good parent would do for their children. Jesus is the only one whose loves matches, let alone exceeds, our own.

That love of His is poured out on us in the Eucharist, when bread becomes body. It calls us to a community and to action, to a Church and to obedience. It is infinitely more vast, mysterious, and demanding than “Jesus and me.” But the cross is always the proof of it. The cross is where we see God’s love for what it is. The cross is where we see God for who He is. The cross is where we see how we are called to love. The cross is where we see who we are called to be.

Reflection Questions

1. How much time do you spend contemplating the crucifix? What do you see when you look at Jesus upon the cross? How has that shaped your understanding of God?

2. Jesus said, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.” Why do you think God calls obedience the proof of our love? When is human love like that? When is it different?

3. Who are your “neighbors” you find difficult to love? What is one concrete thing you could start doing to demonstrate greater love for those people?

Next week, I’ll be taking a break from Deus Caritas Est to focus on my monthly longform essay for full subscribers only. We’ll continue our reading of Pope Benedict the following week (the week of February 27), with Sections 16-18.

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Question Box (The Valentine’s Edition)

Is being single a vocation?

It depends on what you mean by “vocation.”

The Church does not consider regular unconsecrated singlehood a vocation in the sense that she considers holy orders, marriage, and consecrated life (both religious life and consecrated singlehood) vocations. Those latter three vocations are all spousal vocations, in which one person makes a gift of themselves to another. With the priesthood, the priest gives himself to the Church. In marriage, each spouse gives themselves to each other. And in consecrated life, the consecrated person gives themselves to Christ. They start living now, the life we are all meant to live in eternity.

None of this giving happens lightly. All those vocations require vows and the consent of another person to enter. You also can’t exit from them whenever you like. Priests and consecrated persons need the permission of Rome, their bishop, or religious superior to leave their vocation. Married people need to die for their relationship to be severed or for a tribunal to say they were never married to begin with. Each spousal vocation has some degree of permanence.

Unconsecrated singlehood is not like that. You’re not making a gift of yourself to one particular person (or Person). You don’t need someone’s consent to live a single life, and you don’t have to apply to a Roman tribunal to stop being single. There are no vows to make or break.

So, singlehood is not a spousal vocation. But that doesn’t mean it’s not part of your journey to God. It doesn’t mean graces can’t come to you in your singleness. It doesn’t mean you won’t be transformed as you pour your life out for God and others through friendship, family, and work. It doesn’t mean God can’t bear fruit in you and through you. It doesn’t mean you are automatically less holy or lower in the Kingdom of Heaven than those who are living vowed spousal vocations. It doesn’t mean you can’t know God as intimately as any priest, religious, or married person. It doesn’t mean you’re not loved. It doesn’t mean God has forgotten you.

I wrote a lot about this in The Catholic Girl’s Survival Guide for the Single Years, especially the question of missed vocations and why some people miss their vocation through no fault of their own. If you have more questions about this, definitely go there.  

What are your thoughts on compromising chastity for a relationship?

Short answer? Don’t do it.

Long answer? Compromising chastity for a relationship can mean a lot of things, but I’m guessing you mean what most people mean by that: sleeping with someone to whom you’re not married. This is a question so many women ask themselves, especially as the years pass, the pool of eligible men shrinks, and pressures mount from within and without to find someone to marry. Being single is hard. Loneliness is a cross. Biological clocks are real. And men who are willing to date chastely are rare. So I completely understand the temptation to start compromising on what seems like an impossible standard. But it’s not impossible and compromising on this (or any of God’s teachings about love and marriage) is always a bad idea … for so many reasons.

First, because God calls us to chastity, not for His good, but for our good; it’s a commandment to help us find joy, not keep us from joy. Second, because you should want to be with a man who desires the very best for you. That best will never involve going against God’s will. Third, because no man should ever make violating your faith or conscience a condition for being with him. Fourth, because if you can’t trust a man to follow the Church’s teachings on chastity while dating, how will you truly trust him to follow her teachings on chastity in marriage? Fifth, because if you can’t trust a man to do this hard thing for you, how will you trust him to do any other hard thing for you? Sixth, because sex is a baby making-event and its consequences might not be something for which either of you are prepared.

I could go on and on with reasons not to compromise, including pointing at the world in which we live, which is one big bleeding, crying, self-medicating mess of an example of what happens when God’s plan for love and marriage isn’t honored. But really, it all comes down to one question. What do you care about more: your relationship with this man or your relationship with God? That’s the real issue. What do you truly long for: a boyfriend or Heaven? Do you believe that Jesus is who He says He is and that all He has promised is real? Do you trust in His promises? Do you hope in those promises? Do you want what He promises more than anything else? If you do, there is your answer.

I know people choose differently all the time. People also make mistakes. Boundaries get pushed, and things happen. Sinning against chastity doesn’t have to be the end of the world. God is love and He forgives. But sin is still its own punishment. There are always consequences for it, especially when we presume upon God’s forgiveness. Likewise, the road back to virtue is not an easy one. Wounds linger, clouding your judgement and hurting your marriage. Grace can absolutely help us overcome those wounds. But life is so much better when we don’t have to overcome them in the first place.

I cannot stress enough the joy and freedom of being married to someone who has done the hard work of acquiring the virtue of chastity, in thought and deed. Marriage and sex and life in general, are so much easier, better, and more fun when both spouses have a healthy, rightly ordered sexuality, that’s not tainted by prurience or prudishness. The world tells you this is impossible. Some in the Church will say the same. But I promise you, it is possible. And the work to become that kind of person and build a life with that kind of person is absolutely 100 percent worth it.

John Paul II’s masterpiece Love and Responsibility is a wonderful treatment of God’s plan for human love, but if thick books by Polish philosophers are (understandably) not your thing, Edward Sri’s Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love is also great.

I was asked to be a bridesmaid in my brother’s non-religious wedding. Can I participate?

That depends on so many factors. Is he a baptized Catholic? Are both people free to marry? Will it be a valid marriage? Would it be a valid marriage if not for a lack of form (a Catholic liturgy or dispensation from a bishop if one party is Catholic)? What role are you being asked to play in the wedding? Questions like yours are hard to answer without knowing a lot of the details.

In general, though, Church teaching is clear that we cannot be official witnesses (those who sign the marriage certificate) at invalid marriages. Beyond that, canon law leaves it to us to use the virtue of prudence to determine if we should attend the wedding. It’s not encouraged to attend. And it’s absolutely not encouraged to be in the wedding party. But it’s not strictly forbidden. Basically you have to decide what is likely to do the most harm to the souls of all involved, including your own and your brother’s. You have to do your research, think, pray, maybe talk to a trusted priest, and follow your well-formed conscience. It’s a lot of guesswork, there are so many variables, so many factors to balance, and it’s always hard.

Here are a few articles you might find helpful, though, as you think through this decision. I really am sorry you were put in the decision of having to make it.

“Can I attend the Marriage of a Catholic Outside the Church,” Canon Law Made Easy

“Letter to My Goddaughter Marrying Outside the Church,” Dr. Janet Smith

“I’m Not Attending a Sinful Wedding. What About the Reception?” Dr. Janet Smith

“May I Attend the Wedding: Guidelines for Catholic Guests,” Fr. Francis Hoffman

How do you take care of your marriage with so many littles? I have three, age three and under.

That was us a year ago, so I know how hard is can be, especially if you don’t have family around who can easily watch the kids for date nights or weekends away. Chris and I have never spent even a night away from our kids (let alone a weekend), and I can count on two hands the number of dates we’ve had since Toby was born in 2018. But nights on the town aren’t the only way to connect. You just have to look for ways to spend intentional time together, with and without the kids.

When we first were married, someone told me that the best thing they had done for their marriage was to make sure they spent five minutes every day, sitting together and touching while they talked. Chris and I both liked that idea and have made it a habit in our marriage. That simple act of physical connection—a hand on the knee, an arm around a shoulder, a quick neck rub—always helps.

Another piece of advice someone once gave us was to kiss in front of the kids every day. One, because it’s so important for them to see Mom and Dad loving each other. But also because if you wait until you’re alone to show affection, it might never happen on some days. So, Chris and I happily hug and kiss multiple times a day in front of our kids. We also make a point of praising each other, thanking each other, and saying “I love you,” in front of the kids. We say that a lot. Like, a lot a lot. As with the kissing, it’s good for both the children and us to hear. 

When it comes to how we spend our time, unless we’ve been out or had company, once the kids are down we strive to spend about an hour together every night. Sometimes we watch a show, sometimes we read, sometimes we talk, but whatever we do, we do it together, in the same room, and usually sitting close to each other. I then go to bed and Chris stays up to read or watch sports, so he can get some alone time. I’m up two hours before him every morning, so I get my alone time then.

As for time with the kids, we go on lots of drives or walks. When the kids are strapped in and either looking at the world or sleeping, we have both the quiet and head space for conversations with each other. We also try to get out of the house and do something fun with the kids fairly regularly. We walk around museums, conservatories, gardens, parks, cemeteries, old churches or even just the mall to let the kids ride the trucks there. Having adventures together as a family makes the daily crazy more endurable. Lastly we make a point of saying some quick prayers of praise as a family every morning, then invoke the help of the Holy Spirit and our guardian angels, trusting in them to help us where we need it.

Every couple and every family is going to be different. Your schedule, interests, and needs are not ours. So, what we do might not work for you. But the goal is not to always go on Sunday drives or evening walks. It’s to make intentional decisions with your time, choosing daily to connect with your spouse. All marriages require daily feeding. They can’t be neglected. So, figure out little ways you can feed your marriage each day, and stick with it. It’s worth it.

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News & Notes

Mostly I’ve been reading children’s books this week. Not just my new children’s book with Scott Hahn, Mary Mother of All, but lots and lots of books to the kids. I’ve discovered read aloud time goes much better when the boys are coloring, so we’ve worked our way through more books than normal. The two favorites this week have been Thunder Cake by Patricia Polacco (a wonderful story about learning to conquer fear) and Amos & Boris by William Steig (which reminds us that we all have the power to help those we love, no matter how powerless we might seem).

“Marijuana, Mental Illness, and Violence” is a must read essay on Imprimis. I’ve seen several pieces like these in recent years, and this may be both the best and the most troubling. It was published in 2019, but I just came across it this week.

This was a fascinating essay, published on Simcha Fisher’s blog by her niece, Mary Tardiff, on her experience of unhealthy obedience in the religious order to which she belonged. It reflects the experiences of a few (but absolutely not all) of our friends who have spent time in certain religious orders. The author is deeply faithful, yet profoundly insightful about spheres of obedience and the proper use of authority. Her words are also relevant to other relationships, especially unhealthy marriages. It is worth your thoughtful time.

Beautycounter is running a fun “gift with purchase” promotion between now and Monday. Spend $125 on any products, and you will get a free, full size bottle of the Glow First Priming Serum (a $65 value). I use it daily both to help my makeup last all day long and to deceive the world into thinking I am sleeping 8 hours a night and drinking enough water. It really is a fantastic primer with skincare benefits that leave your face glowing. You also can combine this offer with the first time buyer code CLEANFORALL30, which will get you 30 percent off your first order with Beautycounter.

Recipe of the Week

Curried Carrot Soup

Serves: 6; Prep Time: 5 minutes; Cook Time: 25 minutes

This is one of my absolute favorite easy, healthy, delicious soups. It comes together crazy fast, has so much flavor, and tastes almost as good without the cream and croutons, as it does with them, making it a great allergen friendly recipe.

When serving this for dinner, I pair it with a hearty salad and extra bread.

Ingredients

• Carrots, 2 pounds

• Onion, 1 medium

• Chicken Broth, 5 cups (sub with vegetable broth for vegan or Lenten observances)

• Butter, 3 Tablespoons* (sub with olive oil for dairy free)

• Extra Virgin Olive Oil, 2 Tablespoons + more for bread

• Curry Powder, 2 Tablespoons

• Kosher Salt, 1 teaspoon

• Water, 2 cups

• Heavy Cream, .5 cup (Optional) (Sub with coconut cream for dairy free)

• French bread (or something similar), 6 slices (Optional)

• Cayenne Pepper (Optional)

Instructions

1. Peel and medium chop the onion and carrots;

2. In a large pot, melt butter and oil over medium-high heat; add onion and carrots; sauté, stirring occasionally, for 5 minutes;

3. To the pot of vegetables, add chicken broth, curry powder, and salt; bring to a low boil and cook for 15-18 minutes or until carrots are soft; remove from heat;

4. While the vegetables cook, brush olive oil onto bread; broil or toast in the oven or a toaster oven, until top is golden brown (2-4 minutes);

5. Using a hand-held immersion blender, blend soup until smooth (alternately, working in batches, puree soup using a blender or food processor);

6. With the stovetop on simmer, stir in 2 additional cups of water, and bring soup back to desired temperature; taste for salt and pepper, adjusting if needed;

7. Ladle soup into individual bowls; drizzle 1-2 Tablespoons of heavy cream into each bowl; place bread in the center of the bowl, sprinkle with a pinch of cayenne pepper, and serve.

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