Infant Baptism, Advice for a Happy Marriage, and Some Quick Thoughts on Instagram

Weekly Notes

It’s Friday, which means it’s time for another round of reader questions. Next week, I’ll be putting an essay together for full subscribers, and then I’ll be taking Holy Week and Easter Week mostly off—the former so we can travel home to see my mom, the latter so I can do a really not fun thing called taxes … I’ll still try to send a little something your way each week, though. Thank you, as always, for your support and your prayers. I am more honored than I can say that you spend some of your precious time on this earth reading my words, and I want you to know that I never take it for granted. Mostly, I’m just amazed by it.

Question Box

What is the best argument for infant baptism?

If you put that question to a dozen people, you’d probably get a dozen different answers. This is partly because different arguments appeal to different people, but also because depending on their theological formation, people hold conflicting views of baptism. Different faith traditions disagree about its necessity, its efficacy, its place in the economy of salvation, and much, much more. And it’s a person’s understanding of baptism, more than any single argument, that will determine their opinion of infant baptism.

Because of that, I can’t answer this question without first talking about the Catholic theology of baptism. And I can’t talk about the Catholic theology of baptism without first talking about the Church’s teachings on Original Sin. So, let’s start there.

The Catholic Church teaches that Original Sin isn’t so much a thing, as it is the absence of a thing. It’s the absence of original holiness and justice. It’s the absence of God’s life dwelling in us. In the beginning, God breathed His life into man (Genesis 2:7). Our first parents then lost that life when they chose to trust themselves and not God. That loss was spiritual death. Long before they lost their physical lives, Adam and Eve lost their spiritual lives, dying spiritually when they broke faith with God. Then, they passed that spiritual death on to all their descendants. Every human since Eden has been born spiritually dead—not so much with a stain on our soul, but with a hole in our soul, a hole where God’s life was always meant to dwell. Without that life—also known as sanctifying grace—we can’t be who God made us to be or live how God made us to live. Without that life, we are incapable of holiness. We are incapable of entering into eternal life.

Catholics believe Baptism is the sacrament which restores God’s life to our souls. As a sacrament, it is an “efficacious sign of grace,” which means it is a sign that actually does what it signifies (CCC 1131). So, baptism doesn’t just symbolize our sins being washed away. It truly makes our souls clean, bringing forgiveness for any actual sins we’ve committed and restoring to our souls the life they were always meant to have, the life which our first parents lost at the beginning of human history. Baptism makes us spiritually alive once more and capable of receiving every other gift of grace that God wants to pour out on us.

Catholics also believe that baptism makes us members of God’s family. In the Old Covenant, circumcision did that. It was the physical sign of the spiritual reality of belonging to God’s covenant people. In the New Testament, baptism does this. It initiates us into the family of God, leaving an indelible mark on our souls, rather than our body, and launches us into a life of discipleship.

For both reasons, Catholics believe, as Jesus told Nicodemus in John 3:5, that “unless one is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God.” That is to say, Catholics believe baptism is necessary for salvation. It was Christ’s last earthly command to His disciples—the very last words He spoke to them before His Ascension: “Make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.” Believing this doesn’t mean Catholics think it’s impossible for God to save someone who isn’t baptized. He’s God. He has ways of doing things that are unknown to us. But baptism is the way we know. It is the path of salvation He has revealed to us. If He chooses to lead someone by a different path, that’s up to Him, but He has only told us about one path, and that’s the one we’re asked to follow.  

While Catholics do believe baptism is salvific—it redeems us from spiritual death—we do not believe that the graces of baptism guarantee the salvation of everyone who receives it. A baptized child who dies before reaching the age of reason (and is therefore incapable of mortal sin), will go straight to the arms of God. But the rest of us have to continually choose Christ all our days, calling on the Holy Spirit to strengthen God’s life within us and growing into mature disciples of Christ. If we choose to reject Christ and walk away from Him, our baptism isn’t enough to save us. It alone will not get us to Heaven.

So, given all that, what is the best argument for infant baptism? Unfortunately, I can’t just pick one. I can do six, though.

1. Infant baptism reflects the reality of baptism as the sign of the New Covenant. In the Old Covenant, Hebrew boys received the sign of the Covenant—circumcision—at eight days old. That’s when they were welcomed into the People of God. Someone could convert later in life and be circumcised at that point, but infant circumcision was the norm. In the New Covenant, circumcision is no longer necessary, but baptism is. It is the sign of the New Covenant, and like the Hebrews of old did, it is fitting for Christians to bestow it on infants, welcoming them into God’s family at the earliest possible age.

2. Baptism makes us spiritually alive. It imparts the grace all of us need to be who God made us to be and live the life God made us to live. Because of that, the Church wants every child who can receive that grace—meaning every child who has parents or sponsors capable of forming the child in the Faith as they grow—to receive that grace as soon as possible. God knows (literally), they need it. We all need it. We all need all the grace we can get. Life is hard. Concupiscence—our inborn tendency to sin, which is like a lasting side effect of Original Sin—is real. And the devil is a powerful tempter. Because of those challenges, grace is essential to navigating this world, even for the very young. It helps them know the good, choose the good, and do the good. It sharpens their vision, strengthens their hearts, and consoles them in times of suffering. When you believe in the power of sanctifying grace, you don’t intentionally withhold grace from an innocent child, who unlike an unbelieving adult has no impediments to receiving it. You give your child spiritual life as soon as you possibly can, knowing that will help them grow in truth and wisdom and make it easier for them to keep choosing Christ as the years pass.

3. Baptizing infants reminds us that all grace is undeserved. Grace is the free, unmerited gift of God. We don’t earn it. We receive it. This is true of grace in every form, including baptismal graces. A fourteen-year-old who answers an altar call, a forty-year-old who has found faith late in life, and an eighty-year-old who repents on his death bed are no more deserving of baptismal graces than a four-day-old infant. It’s all gift, no matter when it’s given. Infant baptism underlines that truth.

4. Baptizing infants is what the Church has always done. Making families wait to baptize their children was unheard of for most of Christian history. In the New Testament, we see whole households baptized (Acts 16:33; 1 Cor. 1:16). This would have included young children. Many of the earliest Christian writings likewise reference infant baptism. And while you sometimes see the Church Fathers arguing over whether a baby should be baptized at eight-days-old (the age of circumcision) or at one, two, or three-days-old, you don’t see anyone in the early Church arguing over whether babies should be baptized at all. Infant baptism wasn’t a question for the early Christians; it was a foregone conclusion. For me, personally, this argument is one of the most compelling. I don’t presume to understand baptism better than Saint Augustine, Saint John Chrysostom, Saint Gregory of Nanzianzus, or Saint Irenaeus. All those giants of the Faith and more in the early Church believed in infant baptism. Concluding that they were all wrong on such a fundamental point of Christian belief and practice requires a degree of theological hubris I just don’t have.

5. Christ chided those who prevented children from being handed to Him, and I don’t want to be likewise chided. In Luke 18, when people were pushing small children towards Jesus and passing infants through crowds to get them close to Him, some of His disciples tried to stop it. But Jesus wouldn’t let them. He said, “Let the little children come to me … for to such belongs the Kingdom of God,” (Luke 18:16).  Jesus saw those little ones—including the infants mentioned in Luke 18:15—as the rightful inheritors of the Kingdom. He didn’t think they were too young, too ignorant, or too unreasonable to be part of the Kingdom, part of God’s family. He welcomed them just as they were. He wanted them close to Him. He wants the same intimacy with all our children. He wants them to be part of His family. And baptism is what makes that possible.

6. Baptism is necessary for salvation. The Catholic Church does not teach that unbaptized babies (or miscarried babies) go to Hell … or Purgatory … or Limbo. Rather, she trusts miscarried children and infants who die before receiving the sacrament of baptism to the mercy of a loving God, hoping that He who created them in the darkness of their mother’s womb will welcome them into Heaven, where they can know Him for all eternity. This hope is based on the Biblical truth that God desires the salvation of all, Christian faith in God’s loving mercy, and the reality that the children did not receive the gift of baptism before death through no fault of their own. Just the same, the Church has baptized infants for two thousand years because it gives us more than hope for our children. It gives us surety. We can have complete confidence that if our baptized child dies before the age of reason, they will have the Beatific Vision. Having known many, many women who have lost a young child, I know there is unspeakable comfort for them in that confidence. I also know there is peace in obedience. Christ said no one can enter the Kingdom of God unless he is baptized. To baptize an infant is to obey Christ by trusting Christ, by taking Him at His word, and doing everything we can, as parents, to ensure our children’s salvation, including baptizing them at the earliest possible time.

Again, there are more reasons. But those are the six that make the most sense to me. If you want to read more on the Catholic theology of baptism and the other sacraments, Scott Hahn’s Swear to God: The Promise and Power of the Sacraments is a quick read. Signs of New Life: Homilies on the Seven Sacraments by Pope Benedict XVI is also excellent.

I’m getting married this summer. Any advice for how to help foster happiness in our marriage?

It’s funny … if you had asked me that question when I was single, I would have had so much advice for you. Now, I have less. Not because I don’t have a happy marriage. I do. I am in a continual state of disbelief that God has blessed me with a husband as wonderful as Chris. He is like grace itself to me—a totally undeserved, unearned gift from God. But our marriage is our marriage; it’s so particular to us. And your marriage will be particular to you. You’ll have to navigate challenges Chris and I don’t, and you’ll also have blessings that we don’t have. That’s true of every marriage. Each one is unique because the two people in it are unique. It’s like your own world to discover and master. That discovery and mastery won’t come over night. So know that. Be patient with yourselves. And trust God, not me or some other stranger on the Internet, to guide you as you discern together what is best for your marriage and family in all of the particular circumstances and challenges you will face.

But all that being said, I can still give a few pieces of advice that are generically applicable.

First, pray for one another. Pray for your spouse daily—hourly if you can. Ask God to give them all the strength and grace they need to do His will, carry the crosses that need carrying, and know how deeply they are loved.

You also will never go wrong if you encourage one another and praise one another, both alone and in front of other people. Praise them especially in front of any children you might be blessed with.

Notice the good they do more than the good they don’t do, and thank them for even the littlest kindnesses and helps.

Secrets are bad. Don’t keep them from one another.

Lies are worse. Don’t tell them to one another.

Addictions are poisonous. If you have one, bring it out into the light. Confess it to your spouse and your priest, then get help.

Competition is fine if you’re competing over who gets the most steps in a day, but almost every other kind of competition is dangerous. You’re not just a team; you’re one flesh, and when one of you accomplishes something, you both accomplish it. Always rejoice in each other’s successes and mourn each other’s failures. They are, in a very real way, your own.

Be faithful. Not just sexually and emotionally, but to all your promises big and small. Keep your word.

Be honest. Don’t hide your worries, fears, concerns, doubts, or troubles behind a cheerful smile. Smiles are good. But not when you’re dying inside.

Give more weight to your spouse’s opinion than you give to anyone else’s opinion (especially the Internet’s).

Don’t run towards conflict, but don’t run from it either. It’s normal. And it’s how you will both grow.

If you’re struggling with something your spouse is doing, don’t just talk to your mother or your best friend about your struggle. Talk to your spouse about it, too.

If you know you do something routinely that annoys your spouse, work hard not to do it.

If your spouse routinely does something that annoys you, choose either to communicate that to them or bear the annoyance patiently…but don’t choose not to communicate and then simmer and stew until the small annoyance becomes a big problem.  

Touch each other often.

Listen to each other just as often.

Laugh at everything you can possibly laugh at, especially yourselves.

Don’t take sex too seriously. Yes, it’s beautiful and powerful and can be literally life-giving. But it’s also fun and funny. Don’t forget that.

Strive to please one another in the little things—what you cook, what you eat, what you watch, what work you do around the house, and what you do for fun—with both of you stepping out of your comfort zone for the other.

Don’t manipulate or dominate one another.

Apologize quickly.

Forgive even more quickly.  

Trust each other.

Serve each other.

Reverence each other.

Lastly, put your phone down.

Okay, so maybe I did have some advice. Either way, congratulations and all blessings on your wedding!

Why aren’t you on Instagram that much anymore?

Oh gosh, lots of reasons. Namely that I am behind on the children’s story Bible project for Word on Fire, investing a lot of time in this newsletter, and trying to keep my Beautycounter business afloat, all while renovating a house, doing laundry, washing dishes, cooking dinner, mopping floors, and raising three little humans. I have complained numerous times to God about each day only having 24 hours, but thus far He is deaf to my complaints. If you can get Him to give me just 3 extra hours a day, I promise to devote at least one to the Gram!

I should also add that it’s not just time. I miss Instagram from 2018 and 2019 (and even 2020, hot flaming mad mess that it was for a while). Back then, it felt like Instagram was a place where I could use my writing to witness to the Gospel and connect with other moms who were in the trenches of littles with me. I really valued Instagram, and I know it’s how most of you found my writing. But Instagram these days just doesn’t feel like a joyful place. The reels are an ever present danger to my attention span, the content showing up in my feed is an ever present danger to my sanity, and so much of the richness, beauty, and complexity of the Christian life is getting flattened by influencers looking to make a buck (or get a dopamine hit) off the culture wars.

I don’t want to be a part of that. And even if I did, I’d have to give up writing and spend my days making reels in order to get the algorithm to show you any of my content, and that’s not what I want to do. I’m a writer. I’m a mom. I’m a Catholic struggling mightily with her own fallen nature. But I’m not a content creator. So, I’m showing up on Instagram as I can, when I can, on my terms, not the algorithm’s.

I’m sure once the Bible and the renovation are done, I’ll have more time to share some thoughts on Instagram again. I do think it’s important for Catholics to be there. We need to be where people are, witnessing to Christ and proclaiming the Gospel. But I don’t want to get sucked into the toxicity or add to it. I want to be able to write and write with nuance in a way that helps more than it irritates, aggravates, and provokes. I think I can do that here. I don’t know if I can do that on Instagram. At least not on a daily basis. So, for now, the best place to read my writing and not just see random pictures of chickens and wainscoting, is here.

Miscellany

1. Have you been listening to Visitation Sessions? We put out an episode this week on the question of women working in the world, and I like to keep listening to the part where my husband talks about how proud he is of the work I do. It’s a good reminder for me that his opinion, not some random person on the Internet’s, is the one that matters most.

2. Last year, I recommended the Masterpiece Mystery series, “Miss Scarlett and the Duke.” I now retract that recommendation whole heartedly. Stupid actors wanting to do new projects. Stupid producers for letting them. 

3. If you have some Easter baskets to fill, my children’s books, Mary, Mother of All and The Supper of the Lamb take up a good amount of space (and rhyme while catechizing your children, too). The St. Paul Center is running an Easter special on children’s books, which means between now and March 18, so you can snag both books (or multiple copies of both books) for 25 percent off with the code Easter25.

4. If the ongoing social media wars between the Internet TradWives and everyone else in the world leave you feeling attacked, misunderstood, confused, guilty, or like you belong nowhere, go read Claire Swinarski’s latest free essay over at Letters to a Catholic Feminist, “How to Be a Homemaker.” It will make you feel better.

5. And not to keep beating the IVF drum, but this article from The Atlantic offers an important look at the dangers posed by the complete lack of regulation in the IVF industry. (It also says what I said about the Alabama ruling having nothing to do with abortion and how off base the shallow, sensationalized, politicized reaction to it was).

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In Case You Missed It

Signs of Contradiction: On Trad Wives, Keyboard Warriors, and Saving the World While Losing Your Soul (Full Subscribers Only)

The Sources of Our Discontent: On Happiness, Feminism, and Grandmothers (Full Subscribers Only)

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