Drinking Wine, Eating Meat, and Finding Meaning in the Single Years

Weekly Notes

Happy Friday, Friends.

The kids and I are still coughing and sniffling our way through the day, but life has generally returned to normal…or what will eventually seem normal, but is for now, still new to us: new home, new school, new neighbors, new routines. It has been a bit of an adjustment for the boys to go to preschool daily instead of just twice weekly, but much to my surprise, I’m finding it a help and not a hindrance to have to get them out the door every morning. After 17 years of working from home and rarely having to leave the house at all, let alone before 8:30 a.m., I thought I would struggle with having to get children somewhere dressed, fed, and on time every single day. But it’s actually been surprisingly easy and the whole house is functioning better with our new routine. Especially me.

Speaking of new, my husband Chris and our friends Kate and Casey Stapleton, have been working on to get our new podcast, The Visitation Sessions, ready for launch. We’re close to having three episodes ready to go, and the first one will drop this coming Monday. Subscribers to this newsletter (full and free) will get the first listen, so if you want to hear what happens when the four of us leave nine children on the first floor and head up to the attic with microphones, make sure your name is on this newsletter list before then.

Question Box

Do you have any resources about when alcohol crosses the line to become a mortal sin? I know you love cocktails, but I struggle with scrupulosity on this one.

I do love cocktails! And wine! I wish I loved beer, but I just can’t handle the aftertaste. This makes me sad because I know beer is a wonderful gift from God and such a beautiful part of our Catholic heritage, with so many monks perfecting the art of brewing over the centuries. It is hard for me to not appreciate something God made and is good. Except for beets. I feel zero sadness about not appreciating those.

Regardless, I think part of the answer to your question is in your actual question. You asked, “When does alcohol cross the line and become a mortal sin?” The answer is never. Alcohol is a thing, not an act. In and of itself, it never becomes a mortal sin. Or a venial sin. Or any kind of sin. Rather, the Church and the Bible both hold that alcohol is a good. It is a gift from God, made to “gladden the heart of man” (Psalm 104:15; Sirach 10:19), and biblically, its abundance is a sign of God’s blessing, so much so that Christ Himself turns dirty nasty foot washing water into the finest and richest of wines (Isaiah 25:6, 36:17; Jeremiah 13:12; Joh 2:3-10).*

Alcohol, when used in right measure, brings joy to extraordinary feasts and ordinary dinners, enlivens conversation, soothes weary hearts, relaxes anxious minds, and helps forge bonds of friendship over a shared glass. This is why it was made. It also was made to become the blood of the living Christ, to be transubstantiated by grace into the Giver of All Graces, whose Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity is literally poured into us in the Holy Eucharist.

This choice isn’t a coincidence. It’s not a random decision God made after humanity had been drinking wine for a few thousand years. God always knew wine would become Blood. He created it from the first to be a natural sign of a supernatural reality, to illuminate extraordinary truths through its own ordinary nature. Every natural truth about wine—how it gladdens hearts, enlivens spirits, soothes souls, relaxes minds, and forges friendships—is also true on a supernatural level. That’s what the Eucharist does. That’s what sanctifying grace does. And wine is beautiful for the light it sheds on that holy truth. Cocktails and beer are too, in their way.

So, alcohol is not a sin. It is a good. It is a gift. And the Church has celebrated this gift for two thousand years, not only by not condemning the drinking of wine and spirits, but also by making its own, helping perfect the art of wine making, spirit distilling, and beer brewing through the centuries.

Like all good gifts, however, alcohol can be abused. It can be abused badly. And it’s the abuse of it, not the use of it, that the Bible and the Catechism describe as sinful. This abuse can take place in two ways.  

First (and most commonly), we abuse it through drunkenness. Drunkenness is a serious sin (Rom 13:13; 1 Cor 6:10; Eph 5:18). And it’s a sin not just because it’s gluttonous to have too much of a good thing (whether that good thing be chocolate or martinis); it’s also a sin because too much alcohol impairs our wisdom and inhibits our use of reason, which in turn can lead to all sorts of other sins (CCC 2290). Choosing to get drunk is an offense against human dignity, both our own and all those whose lives we might harm through drinking too much.

The abuse of alcohol also can take place through using alcohol to lead someone else to sin. If you knowingly, consciously, and maliciously choose to drink in the presence of someone who both should not be drinking and is not capable of even being around alcohol without drinking (like a newly recovered alcoholic), that too is sinful. It is tempting another to sin or being a near occasion of sin for another.

So, if you want to avoid entangling alcohol up in the stuff of serious sin, don’t willfully tempt another to sin and don’t intentionally get drunk. Don’t drink too much. Saint Thomas Aquinas maybe said (but probably didn’t) that it is well and good to drink to the point of hilarity—to the point where you are a bit relaxed and joyfully laughing and talking with friends, but not to the point where your reason is impaired. That’s a good rule of thumb, but one you’ll have to measure for yourself, as for some people one drink will put them at the point of hilarity. For others, it might be two or three drinks, especially if drunk over a longer period of time and with a big meal. But it will rarely be more. Anything that counts as binge drinking is definitely too much and serious matter that should be taken to Confession.

There also, of course, are people for whom even one drink is too much. They have learned the hard way that alcohol flips a kind of switch in their brain, making it impossible for them to stop at just one drink. For them, the wise and virtuous thing to do is never drink. But, just like my allergy to peanuts doesn’t make peanuts bad, someone else’s “allergy” to alcohol doesn’t make alcohol bad. It just makes it bad for them.

If you or a loved one has struggled with alcoholism, it can be hard to see alcohol as a good. It also can be hard to see alcohol as a good if you have grown up in a religious tradition that stigmatizes any and all drinking. But as Catholics, we know that every day, God comes to us in the guise of wine. Wine is, in fact, part of His plan for our salvation. It has a place of honor in the sacramental economy, and God would never show such honor to something that was inherently bad. It’s our greed, gluttony, fear, and idol worship, that is bad. Guarding against those sins and growing in the virtue of temperance allows us to enjoy the good God has made in right measure, with great gratitude, glad hearts, and no pangs of scrupulosity.

To read more about this definitely read the words of Saint Thomas Aquinas on sobriety and drunkenness. I’ll also link a few other articles and videos below.

The Communion of Saints and the Consumption of Alcohol

What the Church Says About Drunkenness

Catholics, Alcohol, and Drinking

*I am not going to weigh in on the health benefits of alcohol, as some reputable studies say moderate consumption is good and others say it’s bad, and the truth is it’s probably a bit of both, so I just choose to exercise temperance in all my drinking and eating, knowing that something is going to kill me eventually and not worrying if you choose differently.

Why do some Catholics abstain from meat every Friday and some only during Lent?

It depends upon the Catholic. Some eat meat on non-Lenten Fridays because they are observing some alternate form of penance that day. They’re choosing to abstain from sweets or drink alcohol or they’re performing some extra work of mercy. This is an option for Catholics in most places since 1966, when Pope Saint Paul VI issued the apostolic constitution Paenitemini (“On Fast and Abstinence”).

Prior to that document, Catholics everywhere abstained from meat every Friday, not just during Lent, but all year round. This was an ancient discipline of the faithful, practiced since the first centuries of the Church, in remembrance of Christ’s Passion and Death. In the 1960s, however, as the demographics of the Catholic world shifted, some bishops believed that the faithful should have more freedom to determine their penance on non-Lenten Fridays, particularly in nations where meat was hardly ever eaten. The pope agreed, and in Paenitemini told bishops that while penance was still required on all Fridays and while abstaining from meat should still be the recommended penance, they could give people permission to choose some alternate form of penance on non-Lenten Fridays (during Lent, the requirement for everyone to abstain from meat remained unchanged).  

And that’s exactly what most bishops in most places did; they gave people the freedom to choose their own Friday penances outside of Lent. What many bishops did not do, however, was clearly communicate that some form of Friday penance was still required and that abstaining from meat was still what the Church generally recommended. That breakdown in communication, exacerbated by the confusion in the Church at the time, meant many (if not most) Catholics, thought the requirement for penance on non-Lenten Fridays had been lifted altogether.

This is why even today not every Catholic who eats meat on Fridays is doing so because they are practicing some alternate form of penance. Many are eating meat because they have no idea that Fridays are still supposed to be days of penance. The need for Friday penance (and the preference for abstaining from meat) has never been explained to them. Or it’s never been explained to them in a way that they understand and recognize as binding.

But it is still binding. All Catholics, everywhere, are still required to do some act of penance every single Friday of the year (unless a Solemnity falls on that day). All Catholics, everywhere, are also still encouraged (and in some places required) to make that act of penance abstention from meat. This can seem like such a little thing. Or even a pointless thing— a man-made rule that has nothing to do with doctrine or Christianity’s core teachings. But just like in marriage and friendship, where love is shown, received, and grows in the little things of life, this little thing can do great things for our love for Christ.

The Friday fast is an ancient practice that offers us practical encouragement to meditate every Friday upon the love Christ showed for on Good Friday. It’s an expression of solidarity with the One who lived His entire earthly life with a heart of sacrifice. It’s an expression of solidarity with the poor, whose hunger for their daily bread reminds us of our hunger for the bread that came down from Heaven. And it’s an expression of solidarity with our fellow Christians, both those alive today and those who have been fasting and abstaining on Fridays since the first century of the Church. That’s why the Church continues to call all Catholics to embrace it—or some form of it—and why so many other Christians, from different ecclesial communities, are starting to join in on the practice.

If you want to read more on this, here's an article I wrote in the way, way back about it (don’t let the date fool you; this is a reprint from an article written in 2009).

How, as a single 30-something, with no spouse and no children, do I find meaning in life?

Before I answer your question, please know that I understand how great a struggle unwanted singleness can be. It is a real cross. It is a heavy cross. And it is a cross that can absolutely crush you if you let it. Most of us are made for the vocation of marriage. God said it. “It’s not good for man to be alone,” (Genesis 2:18). We’re also made to be mothers and fathers. Either motherhood or fatherhood is inscribed into every part of our bodies, from their design to the DNA. When we find ourselves not able to live the vocation for which we were made, it can be a source of tremendous suffering. I know it can because I endured that suffering for decades, until I married at 41.

So, don’t listen to anyone who says it’s wrong to be sad about your lack of husband and children. It’s not wrong. It’s normal. It’s healthy. It’s to be expected. You see the goodness of marriage and children. You desire that good for yourself. And so of course there is going to be sorrow.

But there is a difference between feeling sorrow over your current state in life and feeling like your life lacks meaning. Because it does not. Your life has meaning because you exist. It has meaning because you are a child of God, beloved by Him and called by Him. It has meaning because you have gifts God has given you to use and people God has given you to love and work God has given you to do. Married or single, fertile or barren, you matter. Your life matters. And it always will matter, even if no husband and babies ever come along.

Husbands are good. But not a one of them is Jesus. Babies are delightful. But you blink and they’re grown up and gone. You absolutely can find meaning in both, but not ultimate meaning, not ultimate purpose. That’s found in Christ. It’s also found in living the life He has for you now, today, in this moment, not in some imaginary future.

God is not surprised that you are still single. He’s not sitting up in Heaven, scratching His head, wondering what to do with you since no husband is in the picture, or feeling bad for you because everyone else is living lives full of meaning and you’re stuck in singlehood. The Lord knew this cross would be part of your present moment. He saw it from all eternity and has permitted it for reasons known only to Him. But what you can know is that those reasons are good. God only permits what He can use to lead us to eternal happiness with Him.

You also can know that God has accounted for this time. He has a purpose for it. He has a purpose for you. There is some work that needs doing now that only you can do. There is some person who needs loving right now in a way that only you can love. God sees the meaning of your life and the meaning of the work He has for you, and He wants you to see it, too. God is not hiding this work from you. He is making it plain or will make it plain when you’re ready to see it. But He is not going to force you to see it or do it.

If you want to live the meaningful life God has for you, right this very day, you have to be willing to find meaning in places you didn’t expect to find it. You have to be open to a plan that is not yours. You have to hold your hands out before you and say “Not my will, but yours, Lord.” Then, you have listen to your heart. You have to think about the desires and interests you have that you can pursue. You have to think about what you love to do that is possible in this moment. You have to think about the people all around you who are struggling or who go unseen. And then you have to start walking in that direction—towards what is possible now.

When I was single, that was studying theology and writing, building community in Steubenville and traveling frequently with friends. It was buying a home and renovating it. And most of all, it was growing in relationship with Jesus. It was going to Mass and Adoration daily, soaking in graces that not only made my single years more purposeful, but have made me a better wife and mother.

What’s possible for you and fun for you and interesting for you will likely look very different than what was possible, fun, and interesting for me. But what won’t change is the importance of spending time with the Lord and learning—really learning–what it means to find your meaning in Him.  That is what will heal the most broken parts of your heart. That is what will calm your fears and quell your anxieties. That is what will help you navigate all the really hard, really disappointing, really not fulfilling moments of marriage and motherhood … of which there will be plenty.

Again, marriage and babies are great. But they are never going to fulfill the deepest longings of your heart. Only Jesus can do that. The more you come to understand that now, the more joyfully you will be able to embrace the beautiful and the hard of your vocation to marriage and motherhood, if and when it comes.

Life does not start when you become a wife. It also doesn’t start when you become a mother. You are living the life God has for you right now. And you are every bit as precious to Him today as you will be if you ever hold a baby in your arms. He knows that every beat of your heart has meaning. And He wants you to know that too.

Praying for you.

P.S. Even though I wrote it 13 years ago, I still regularly hear from single women that they have found my book, The Catholic Girl’s Survival Guide to the Single Years, a great help and consolation. If you haven’t read it yet, perhaps give it a try. I promise, it’s hopeful, not depressing. And a little bit funny, too.

Miscelleny…

1. Chris and I started Belgravia on Amazon Prime this week. Based on a book by Julian Fellows, the first season came out in 2020 when we were in a newborn induced fog, so we completely missed it. Two episodes in, I am impressed with the acting and directing and writing, but I also end each episode feeling like I have been punched in the gut. It’s beautiful, but hard to watch. If you’re in the right frame of mind to handle such a thing, though, you might enjoy it.

2. Last Saturday night, when we should have been in bed, Chris and I were up watching “The Greatest Night in Pop,” on Netflix, which is about the making of the mega-hit song “We Are the World.” The documentary was surprisingly engrossing, and those were absolutely two hours well spent, despite how old it made me feel. How was that almost 40 years ago??? Anyhow, I was just a little girl when the song first came out, so I was oblivious to how much work it took to pull off that kind of production. The documentary gave me a new appreciation for the song and the work it accomplished, plus greater affection for Bob Dylan and—strangely enough—Huey Lewis.

3. Like half of Instagram (or at least half of people over 40), I have been soaking up every second I can find online of the Tracy Chapman/Luke Combs duet of “Fast Car.” Maybe I can talk a little bit more about this on the podcast, but I firmly believe that song resonates so deeply with so many because it is about an encounter with grace and our longing for Heaven. Did Chapman know this when she wrote it? Who knows. But good art often does more than the artist intends, and when I hear “Fast Car,” I hear someone singing who knows this earth is not our home, that it’s hard and broken and we don’t belong here. We were made for more and we all want to escape to that more. We want to be forever where we do belong, where we are free, where we can be who we were made to be. It is a profoundly human song, and I am so grateful it’s had new life breathed into it for another generation by Luke Combs.

4. If your winter skin is looking dull, tired, and dry, there has never been a better time to try Beautycounter’s Countertime Skin Care Regimen. All new customers can save 40 percent right now on Countertime and all other skin care regimens. (All regimens are automatically discounted 20 percent and first-time customers save another 20 percent with the code CLEANFORALL20). Before I tried Countertime, I thought one skin care product was pretty much like any another skin care product and that no amount of lotion could help my dry, aging skin. I was wrong. Countertime has absolutely changed my skin for the better. This is because it has botanicals in it that work like retinols, but have none of their harmful side effects, which means it’s safe for expecting and nursing moms (and babies, too). Feel free to reach out to me with any questions.

5. Right before we moved my friends over at Word on Fire sent me the most gorgeous edition of George McDonald’s The Golden Key and Other Fairy Tales, so this past Monday, I decided to start reading the first of the stories, “The Golden Key,” to Toby, just to see if it could hold his interest. Much to my delight, he couldn’t get enough of it. We read the whole thing in two days and have since moved on to the next story in the collection, “The Light Princess. Long ago, J.R.R. Tolkien wrote a beautiful reflection on fairy stories and their importance. I never needed any convincing on this, but I am so happy that I finally get to walk through fairyland with children of my own and that even my army-obsessed five-year-old boy is happy to be walking through it with me.

In Case You Missed It

The Sources of Our Discontent: On Feminism, Happiness, and Our Grandmothers (Which is currently the most popular most I have ever published here; Full Subscribers Only)

Beyond Sound Bites: On the Dangers of Extremes and the Need for Nuance (Free for All Subscribers)

The Marital Debt, Mary, and the Feminine Genius (Free for all subscribers)

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